A New Years Like No Others!

I am the queen of resolutions. Seriously - ask anyone who knows me. I am in a constant state of renovation, inside and out. Many of my resolutions fail, many only partially succeed. But the reason I keep making them, like 1 good shot on a golf course, is because ONCE in a while... I make them stick.

Over the years, my resolutions looked similar. Lose weight. Exercise more. Spend less. Lose weight. Quit smoking. Most of these never made it through to February.

However, this New Years will mark:

• 12 years since I resolved to NEVER let a person destroy my inner confidence again
• 10 years since I resolved to make my daughter the centre of my life
• 3 years since I resolved to quit smoking
• 2 years since I resolved to eat healthier
• 1 year since I resolved to maintain my goal weight

And this year, I have many areas from which to draw my resolution(s) from. But what I do know is, my resolutions will be a reflection of truly building the woman I was meant to be. Not the reflection of someone else's goals and desires (or lack thereof), not projecting some image of who I think others think I should be... my resolutions this year will be my gift to myself for surviving and thriving during what has been my biggest hurdle - my biggest burden - ever placed in my path. It's my reward for growing stronger instead of becoming weak.

Foodwise, Christmas has posed some interesting challenges. I have worked hard over the last 2 years to be able to enjoy myself, but I am finding very little joy in feeling gross from over eating (only 2 times, really) or from eating the junk. I am realizing, albeit slowly and somewhat painfully, that most of it just isn't worth it. But those wolves - those howling pangs of the past - constantly lurk at my door. "Awww that looks so yummy" "A few won't hurt" "Better eat them now, before they're gone"... I've got to start howling back.

Peace and joy to you during this blessed season. And my next post will greet you with the fresh new perspective of 2009!

Ok, ready to go.

So many of my family and friends who read this know why I took such a long hiatus. Some may not. My husband, of a mere 3 years, decided to call it quits. Though not shocking (our life was not the least complicated I've ever seen) I was indeed in shock. My emotions, along with my weight, have been up and down.

Fear, anger, sadness... all reflected in my eating habits. I dropped 10 pounds in a week, and went up and down for the last 3 months.

But here I am, back in my hometown with people who love us, in our new house (I'll post some pictures) and ready for the road that is ahead.

I have started a small weight loss support group for some friends and family that were ready to begin their own journey. There are 5 of us, and in total, we've lost more than 30 pounds in 3 weeks. We are pretty much ROCKIN' it out!

Emma & I are good. We will be great in no time. Maybe less than no time...

Good things.

This is love.

Arden in her new Riders gear from Auntie J!

Tick tock

The minutes are just crawling by right now. Food is the last thing on my mind, but it somehow permeates every thought - only it's a negative thought. The thought of food right now repulses me until I can't function one more second without it... then I eat without abandon. Never too much right now, because the nervousness of my stomach can't take it.

I'll write a book one day that says "How to Lose 10 pounds and 1 husband in 8 days"...

Good to see my sense of humour returning. That has to be a good sign. Of something...

Readers... Friends... Pray for us...

Jacki

Wow.

Won't be posting for a while. Eating less important than sanity right now.

Pick me up.

I love when little things can be a big pick me up! With the new fall routine shaping itself up, and all the changes happening to my baby and in our lives, I was feeling a little veclempt. I even cried a little when registering Emma for hip-hop dance classes (a new thing for me... perhaps I'll go on about that sometime soon). I am looking forward to this weekend, I think we should have some fun - possibly the lake with Ken's auntie Julie & family on Saturday, then the Labour Day game with my family on Sunday. But I was having trouble sparking up for it.

Then today I went to lunch with an old work friend I haven't seen in years. It was so great to be able to relay positive news in my life (she knew me when things weren't so rosy!) She is one of those "bounce back" girls - she always lands on her feet. Strong and brave, and very confident in her abilities. It was so nice to be able to relate with her in a "Damn, I feel good!" kind of way!

I feel great.

B1: Banana & coffee (1)
B2: toast, peanut butter & jam (3)
L1: side salad & dynamite rolls (8)
L2: left over stirfry (4)
D: pitza (pita pizza) (4)
SN: ??? have 3-5 pts...

AP: Hmmmm. not too much... but I'll make up for it tomorrow!

Crash and burn. Sort of.

So I knew that last night's celebration of my father's birthday would NOT be point friendly. But, the plans were to hang out at the park, so I thought at least I could work off some calories! Unfortunately, the weather did not cooperate, so we ordered in. And it was Chinese.

And to make matters worse, I thought I would curb my crazy hunger before supper by snacking on a handful of dried fruit. The package I bought had the best NI I'd seen, and a handful would only by3 points. Except that I mindlessly ate the whole bag. 11 points. HOLY CRAP BATMAN!

So I had a 40 point day yesterday, with no activity. AWESOME.

So obviously my plan is to get back on track big time today!

B1: banana with 1 tsp pb (2)
B2: heritage flakes cereal, blueberries & ff milk (3)
L1: pork sandwich (if there's pork left) (4)
L2: salad, grapefruit (1)
D: tofu stirfry? I have to shop, so we'll see. (8)
SN: popcorn (2)

AP: GETTIN MY BUTT TO THE GYM! And walking Emma to & from school!

The key to emotional eating...

I don't know if I necessarily HAVE the key... but I am certainly learning how to spot it more. I had planned a great breakfast of left over roasted potatoes and eggs in a scramble for this morning... but after returning from dropping Emm off at her new school to start grade 5, I found myself craving carbs. My comfort food...

So I settled by skipping the egg, just going for egg white, and having one WW slice of toast with PB & jam. And, more importantly, I listened to the real hunger versus the emotional one. Now to just get through the rest of my day waiting to hear how things went for her today!!!!

Here's my plan:

B1: banana (1)
B2: potato & egg white scramble, toast pb & sf jam (5)
L1: open faced pork sandwich, salad
L2: grapefruit, watermelon, cuke
D: YIKES out at burger cabin. NO FRIES, JACKI....

AP: Stress, a quick walk and some possible action at the park tonite.

Back to life, back to reality

Had a wonderfulllllll holiday. Put on a couple of more pounds, so a little more damage control. I'm looking forward to routine and self discipline again!

No excuses, just hard work and staying true to my goals. And lots of fab clothes I want to fit in!

Here's my plan for today: (23 pts)

B1: toast, pb, 2 eggs, watermelon (9)
B2: coffee & dark chocolate (wasn't part of the plan, but I'm adding it now...) (1)
L1: garden tomatoes & cucumbers, grapefruit (1)
L2: salad w/ginger soy dressing, toast with mw & tomatoes (3)
D: teriyaki salmon skewers, new potatoes, green beens? (6)
SN: cereal & ff milk (3)

AP: trampoline, gym for 30 mins, walk with Ken?

It's all behind me now.

Until Christmas, I now have no other "major" events to worry about! Kenny & I enjoyed our pre-anniversary celebrations on the weekend. Being kidless, we were able to enjoy all (and I do mean ALL) our favourite foods we miss when we're with kids. I completely over ate, and enjoyed the foods we don't ever eat. And now, I'm good for a long while!

I had a great day yesterday, and felt great this morning (despite the serious lack of sleep. Thanks to my little chicken, Emma!)

Here's my plan for today:
B1: Banana, coffee (1)
B2: multi grain bread, pb, jam, egg (6)
L1: salmon salad (3)
L2: movie popcorn, diet coke (5)
D: corn on the cob, smokies, fresh tomatoes & cucumbers from the garden! (5)

AP: If none from walking to the movie, then I'll go to the gym tonite.

Outlook.

Not the email variety. What a complete difference my attitude makes in how successful I am each day. My day got a little wonky with a last minute trip to the doctor for my daughter - eating up the only 90 minutes I had to do any exercise. So I felt yucky and a little defeated, so I caved and ate too many nachos last night. I was so bloated this morning.

So I decided to will be the day I start to lose the extra 6 pounds that have crept up over the summer. And that's all there is to it. Back to basics.

B1: banana, coffee (1)
B2: raisin bran, ff milk (4)
L1: caesar salad (3)
L2: tomato soup, veggies(2)
D: burgers, not sure what else at my mom's (7)
SN: Chicken dumplings from ESBM (3)
(Leaving 4 pts for unknowns, and one glass of wine)

Not sure how I will earn some APs today - but I'll make sure I move any time can today!

Reprogramming

So I was thinking a lot about the idea of reprogramming. This morning, my daughter and I had a very lengthy and mostly loud conversation about eating habits and exercise. She has spent the majority of her holidays on the couch, asking when she could eat next. I don't keep yucky treats in the house, but she was obsessing about what her next snack would be. She's gained a few pounds over the holidays... while her self esteem has decreased, by worrying has done the opposite.

She did not like the conversation we had about healthy eating and exercise. She kept saying "You think I'm fat". Programmed. I told her I love her no matter what - but that I was concerned for her lack of energy, her health and her self-esteem. "You think I'm fat". Over and over.

But what I realized is that it has to become important to HER - otherwise she will internalize it as her thinking I think she's fat. I need her to see the effects - not just on the scale or in her clothes - in very tangible ways that she can understand. Anyone have any suggestions?

I made her a fairly healthy and light lunch today - I hope that she feels motivated to go outside for the afternoon. The TV's going off in a few minutes - so that will likely mean the world will end for one little girl.... :)

Here's my plan:

B1: Raisin bran, ff milk (4)
B2: grapes (1)
L1: bagel w/lt cream cheese, cucumbers (4)
L2: caesar salad (4)
D: Ok - for real this time - Hakuna Frittata (4)
SN: Baked nachos, with veggie ground & lt cheese. (3), 2 beer (3)
*In celebration of watching the Riders kick it out once again!!!!!

AP: gym, 30 mins

Addiction issues. Is fat on the list of addictive substances?

Cuz it should be. I was reflecting on my mindless shoveling of mini donuts and elephant ear carcasses from the fair, and realized that I didn't even ENJOY the taste of them. The first one had a nice warm texture and sweet smell, but the grease was overwhelmingly the flavour. And it tasted awful, but I kept shoveling.

I realized that the mind plays tricks on you. Should we, as evolved human beings, crave the food that fuels us best? Survival of fittest would indicate that this should be the case. Maybe the health nuts will be the fittest and survive? Well heck, count me in! My favourite treats these days:

• fresh, cold watermelon
• fresh hummus, extra garlic, with whole wheat pita chips
• red ripe tomatoes with sea salt and pepper
• looking forward to cucumbers from my garden!!!

So why does my body still CRAVE fat and sugar - the things that could potentially kill me? Addiction. Plain and simple. The problem is that you can't avoid it completely - unlike other addictions. So I have to moderate the addiction while still consuming fats and sugars occasionally (though, I do limit them an awful lot). Not easy, but hopefully the changes from the past 18 months, in combination with some reprogramming will aid in my managing this addiction for the long haul. And hopefully I can lessen the addiction my daughter has in time to avoid so many pitfalls of an unhealthy teenage diet!

Here's my plan for today:

B1: banana & coffee (1)
B2: yogurt, blueberries & corn squares (3)
L1: Caesar salad (3)
L2: veggies & dip (1)
D: Hakuna Frittata (didn't get to make this yesterday!) (6)
S: cereal & milk (3)

AP: brisk 20 minute walk, mini-workout & some trampoline time!

Well, we'll just call that a lesson learned.

A lesson I've spent a lifetime learning. What is WITH me and fried foods? The fair was a beautiful disaster. I finished eating the elephant ear, despite the sore tummy. And I paid for it.... gawd did I pay for it.

I worked out extra hard at the gym yesterday (that plus the 10+ hours of walking at the fair) and the damage is still massive. Back to the basics for sure now.

We planned a great day yesterday - lots of activity and plenty of good food choices. I even backed out of a Moose Jaw trip since they were doing chinese for supper. Good Jacki.

Today should be equally good:
B1: shredded wheat n bran, blueberries & ff milk (4)
B2: banana, coffee (1)
L1: pizza (homemade, ww crust, lf cheese) (6)
L2: veggies n dip (1)
D: Frittatta (Hakuna frittata, actually!) (4)
S: popcorn (4)
AP: did some gardening - walking to the movie

Gotta Make It Count

Well, I'm going to the fair tomorrow. Yup - all the sights, sounds and smells of the toughest temptation for me to resist: fair food. We're planning to go after eating a healthy and filling lunch, and we will pack lots of water and healthy snacks. Supper will be at the fair, but I'll go to the gym in the morning, and earn a couple of APs to help make it more doable. I won't go without - but I will moderate.

Here's what today looked like:

B1: Banana, toast, PB & jam (4)
B2: ff cappuccino (1)
L1: 1 egg, 2 toast, pb (I was craving it!) jam (7)
L2: baked chips & salsa (4)
D: beers, salad, corn on the cob (5 + beers)
SN: bowl of cereal

(Ok, beers have to stop!)

AP: weights (10 mins) housework, 5 min hard walk at the gym (funny story about that... well not really.)

Here's to hours of walking tomorrow!!!

(Self talk: Good work on the post Jacki. Cuz you sure wanted to talk about other stuff than how you handled food today...)

Feels like a Monday...

Ugh. I'm depressed today. The news from Manitoba was so tragic - it set me into a serious downfall today. The scale climbed up again, and I'm so down about it. I've had a rough week - Birthday parties (3!), sickness and then the ravenous rebound. I'm up from Friday, but down from the beginning of July. But I feel so flubby.

I need to corify. I know that. But summer makes it so tough. Or I make it tough. Or both. No exercise + no core = unhappy, unmotivated Jacki.

Here's the plan. Add some exercise, add more core. Easy. RIGHT??? :)

B1: Raisin bran, ff milk (4)
B2: banana, homemade strawberry ice cream (so much better than boughten - taste & nutrition wise!) (3)
L1: hummus with carrots & cukes (2)
L2: salad with croûtons & soy ginger dressing (2)
D: Home made pizza (6)

Activity: 20 mins treadmill, 15 mins weights (OR: 45 minute walk, 15 mins trampoline)

See, even just making the plan feels better. Imagine how great I'll feel following through!

Blech. I Hate Being Sick!

I haven't been sick in almost 3 years. And today, I seemed to have acquired flu-like symptoms. Crampy stomach. Feverish (though no fever!), headache and stiffness.

Slept most of the day, and could only tolerate carby type foods, though not a lot.

Going back to bed now, though the stomach pains are pretty bad tonite. Hopefully I will feel more human again tomorrow...

Another Year Older - and defintely wiser!

So my birthday came and went - with much fun, food and craziness to be had! After a wonderful party on Saturday night with both siblings (that's never happened!) and some great friends; a laugh-a-minute shower for my sister in law on Sunday; and a family supper and football fest later that day - well the food and drink were a-flowin'!

I feel like I did not go super crazy - though did enjoy myself thoroughly! I didn't drink a silly amount, but did try to drink lots of water, and fill myself with fruits and veggies before diving into the delicious dishes my husband & I prepared for the weekend.

I did pretty well.

I got spoiled. Lovely presents from friends and family (including an inside & out car wash, replica LV purse & spa treatment from hubby; adorable "mom" book, dark chocolate and a gc to Suzy Shier from Emma; Indian cook book from Justin; cute tank, matching earings & flip flops from my sis et al; 2 bottles of wine from my bro et al; a beautiful vase from Dar; Lots of partylite candles from Nic; a gift card from Jacquie & Darrell; Marguerita pop set from Cheryl & Scott; cash and wine from my inlaws; ESBM and cash from my folks)... well yeah. Spoiled about sums it up!

And I spoiled myself. For my birthday, I finally got the tattoo I've been dreaming of since the first week I started Weight Watchers more than a year and a half ago! It's the chinese symbol for Achievement, protected by 2 dragons: A great reminder to not give up on all the hard work I've done. Each cherry blossom is representing my family: Emma, Ken, Mom, Dad, Nathan, Arden, Andrea & Sonam. It's the stereotypical "tramp stamp" location on my lower back - something I NEVER would have gotten when I was heavy. It's also a great motivation to tone up more so I can show it off!!!

Thanks Miss B for the reminder. So hard to take the time for me to get this done... *Hugs*!

Day 2

Short and Sweet today!

B1: banana toast, pb & sf jam (4)
B2: raisin bran & ff milk (4)
L1: left over curry & ciapati (3)
L2: cuke salad, tomato soup (3)
D: sub or salad... (5)
SN: yogurt & berries (3)

AP: I WILL GO FOR A WALK TODAY!!!

On Track for Day 3

I'm on track for a really good day. I'm not overly hungry today, and I should get lots of activity in. Here's my plan for today:

B1: raisin bran, ff milk (4)
B2: banana split smoothie (2)
L1: left over tofu stirfry (4)
L2: tomato soup (2)
D: Souvlaki, french fries, green beans (7)
Sn: Skinny cow (2)

AP: walks, trampoline, crunches