Overwhelmtion

There are some days that even with the best intentions, turn into days best spent in bed.  Today is that day...

Money is always a worry for me, but this April has been GROSS.  (The fact that my brother and sister in law both dreamt I won the lottery is more likely in indicator that even they can feel my financial stress!)  But I can usually handle that.

I've got a crazy busy week this week.  Something going on every night, every day filled right to the brim with activity.  But that's usually something that energizes me.

I've been eating raw for a week now (loving it) but the prep and cost is starting to wear on me already.

And most of all, my daughter's diabetes is constant source of anxiety.  She struggles to accept it, and this is hardest of all.  The realization that she must live with this every day is overwhelming to her.  Some days, the needles REALLY hurt.  Some days, she just wants to eat something without thinking about how many carbs it has, and how many units of insulin she must inject.  The understanding that even the most well managed diabetes WILL result in a shorter life span... how does a 14 year old accept this???

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders today.  Going back to bed is not an option, so I am going to choose to bend at the knees, and carry this weight in the most efficient and healthy way I can.

xox

On Edge

There are times when you can just feel it... waiting for the other shoe to drop.  You know SOMETHING is going to happen, but you don't know what, or when.  This feels like my new daily reality, and I have to admit I don't like it.  I know some of it is self contrived - I want to stay on top of Em's sugar levels like a hawk.  I have solid proof that me letting my guard down means highs and lows, not to mention forgotten supplies.  I want to give her control, but it's so new to her.  I want to let her learn the best ways to manage her diabetes, but she has no desire right now.

So I try to walk that very thin line of helping but not controlling.  And it seems most days that I keep getting pushed off.  Then I remind myself... if this is difficult for me, imagine how much of a beast this is for my daughter to comprehend.  To manage.  To accept...

So today, here are my intentions: 

1. Attempt a modified version of the cleanse I started yesterday.  Instead of crashing and burning at 7pm, I hope to add a little more substance to my day.
2. Focus on 5 wonderful things about my daughter today (instead of just continually harping about her sugars, her lack of homework and her messy bedroom.
3. Book a massage.  I've put it off for too long.

I tell my clients every day - you can't put yourself at the bottom of the list for very long... and here I have for almost 6 months.  It's time to change that, before I'm no good to anyone!

Getting back up, and trying to dust off

I pride myself on NOT getting knocked down.  You push, I push back.  Life lays down bumps, I speed up and drive right over them.  In the rare moments I find myself flat on my butt, I don't stay down for long.  Something's collapsed within my coping mechanism...

It started last September, when my daughter - only 14 - was diagnosed with Celiac's.  During this appointment, we also found out her sugars were a little high.  Fast forward to the end of December, and we are now a family with a Type 1 Diabetic.  This is something I never expected, dreamt of or even fathomed.  My little girl has to test 5 -10 times per day, and inject insulin into her tummy 4-6 times each day.  Our lives have been thrown upside down.  Even today, 7 weeks later, not 5 minutes goes by without thinking about diabetes.  Everything affects it, and in a teenager's world... well let's just say there's a million more reasons why the sugars can be all over the place!

Everyone says it takes a full year, or more, to fully accept.  I can wait... but I need to feel GOOD again, way sooner than that.  I've gained weight, I've been too emotional, I've been a handful.  I need to re-centre, and re-focus.  Today is the start of a new way of coping.  I'm not pushing back - I'm leaning into it.  I'm not speeding through bumps, I'm slowing down and either going gently or finding a new road.  Today, I start to grow forward.

Changes are inevitable.  

Funny story.

We have developed a lovely new morning routine.  Emma gets up early, comes to cuddle me, I make her breakfast while she tests her glucose and injects.  She watches cartoons (in such a lovely childlike fashion!) while I make her lunch, and we chat while we wait for her to test her glucose once more before we leave for school.  It really is lemonade from the lemons... 

This morning, Marty had a different schedule, throwing our routine out the window.  So hard to not be mad at him (for living in his own house!) in protection of my baby.  So I tell her this morning "Sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches"... As soon as I said it, I'm thinking "REALLY??? I'm telling her to roll with the punches when she's doing that so much lately???"  I made a little joke out of it, to let her know that I understood.  I go upstairs, in tears, and Marty tried to comfort me.  I just bristled, telling him how hard this change in our routine was this morning.  He said "sometimes, you just gotta deal with change Jacki"... I laughed, but really wanted to just punch him.

Challenges are inevitable.  But I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes there IS an easier way to deal with them.  Sometimes, wine IS the answer...

I love you sister.  I wish our paths crossed in a closer locale, but I appreciate the relationship we have.  I respect the life you live - and love the lives you've created.

I'm going to try a sample of the gluten free/diabetic friendly brownies.  Then I'll probably have another good cry.  Then, I'll be so grateful for a kid who is amazing, especially in this challenge.  And grateful for a hubby that didn't smack me on his way out the door.

New Year, New Decade... What's Next?

This has the potential to be one of those rambling posts... the kind that lacks focus and purpose. But even those posts have endings. Finality. Results. Sometimes, though hard to read, those posts make the most impact on me. That sort of sums up 2009 for me! Not a lot of focus, probably a lot of rambling, but still.... here I am facing the finality of the year. It's been an exciting one, full of ups and downs, and highly impactful.

Some of my lowlights included:

• Emma's battle with Swine Flu
• Nathan's accident
• Gaining 20+ pounds
• Emma's ever changing hormonal shifts
• The end of my first post-break up relationship

Fortunately, the highlights SUPER outweigh...

• Finishing the vast majority of my house renos, including - windows & doors, deck, and getting the insulation up
• Vegas
• Emma's significant improvement of grades
• Getting over the hurt of the divorce
• A lot of great times with Darla and the girls
• BC trip
• Starting school
• A super fun summer
• A fun, though short, relationship
• Green Day
• So many fun family times

I grew a lot this year. I always laughed when I heard 40 something women say how happy they were at that age. I get it now. To be comfortable in your own skin. To embrace change and growth. To love fully and without expectation for change. I am actually going to love 40. But, I can wait for it! I look at the possibilities of the next year, the next decade.... 10 years ago, Emma was 1. My biggest worries were managing which minimum wage job I would take, Emma's various health concerns (and they were many!) and getting over a broken relationship (ha, there's irony there). I was living in a cute little house, with my sister. So many fabulous memories there. In 10 years, Emma should be in school, or working. But surely, God willing, living a full and exciting life as an adult. At 21, her life laid out in front of her. I can't imagine it, but I can see my daughter taking life by the reigns and living it to her fullest.

I will be contemplating 50, not 40. My parents, again God willing, will be in their 60s, hopefully enjoying all the fullness of a healthy retirement. And I hope that we will all be continuing our human experiment.... growing and learning.

My friends. Enjoy the life you have. Grow in the experiences and opportunities you are given. Be the light and love in the lives of others. And most of all, be open. Open to everything that is laid out before you. Be 21, only with the wisdom and experience of whatever age you really are. God Bless and all the health, love and happiness you are open to in 2010.

J

Reflection.

Reflecting is a major tool for movement. If one doesn't take the time to reflect on motivation, desire or purpose, it's often difficult to effectively move forward. I overdid it this Christmas.... and HOW. And as a result, I often felt sick or bloated, and definitely lacked energy. Part of my reasoning for letting my accountability go out the window (and it was a very conscious decision) was my decision to lead a primarily vegetarian lifestyle.

I am cutting out red meat completely. This includes hamburger and other processed red meats. Most pork is also out. These are strictly for stomach issues. They hurt me, so they're out. Also out is processed deli meats. What stays in is poultry and ham occasionally, and seafood as a staple. My main food will be from the ground - grains, beans, fruits and vegetables. Not only does the red meat actually hurt me, but these other foods significantly help my energy level and IBS issues. This doesn't mean a lot of change, except in the processed department (no pepperoni, no hamburgers etc) which means more preparation and planning. I look forward to the challenge.

I am formulating my resolutions. Some of them I'll share, others need to be put into action before I am willing to through them out there. Either way - I look forward to having goals that are mine - and not all school or weight related!

Em & I are off for a fun night with Darla & Abby. Can't wait to see some of my favourite girls.

J

Ugh. But, ahhhh.

I hate being that mom who complains that she never does anything for herself. I have always prided myself on taking a little time to just chill out. To go for coffee with a friend. To stick my nose in a great book. To add bubbles to a nice hot bath...

I was feeling sorry for myself. No time. Too much homework. Too busy. Then I realized, as I was preparing for another busy night... that my time was IN there. I just had to peel back the attitude. My friend stopped by - if even just for a minute. Another friend dropped off some stuff for me - and stayed for a tea. If even just for a quick one. My mom dropped by to bring me some spices (yes, there's irony there) and she chatted. If even for just a moment. And as I sat here woefully working on my anatomy homework, I was overcome by a Roger Whitaker Christmas song about children. As my own daughter tossed in bed, too late, having trouble sleeping.

Yelling at her didn't help one little bit. Threats either. So as I listened to Rog sing about the magic of children in this blessed season, I TOOK my moment. I went in, cuddled my baby, and asked her what was wrong. She was sad. For no reason - just feeling the traditional L'Heureux girl blues. I TOOK my time to chill with my baby, hugged my baby. Stroked her cheek and ear, and felt her go limp in my arms as she fell asleep beside me. And as I quietly sneaked out of her room, listening to another old Christmas carol, I couldn't help but be reminded of every moment I have shared with this child. Every night I quietly sneaked out of my baby, my toddler, my little girl, my young lady.... my baby's room. And I couldn't help but realize how numbered my days are with my baby. And how many moments I will have "to myself".

I got myself together, and turned the carols down just a little, so I could hear if she was still stirring. Peace and quiet now surround me, except for "The Prayer" playing very low, and my computer whirring. I will have a few moments of me time when I'm done my anatomy tonight. But my best moment of the night will be the time I made for my daughter when she needed me. I almost missed it, but I TOOK it. If even for just a moment....

J