On Edge

There are times when you can just feel it... waiting for the other shoe to drop.  You know SOMETHING is going to happen, but you don't know what, or when.  This feels like my new daily reality, and I have to admit I don't like it.  I know some of it is self contrived - I want to stay on top of Em's sugar levels like a hawk.  I have solid proof that me letting my guard down means highs and lows, not to mention forgotten supplies.  I want to give her control, but it's so new to her.  I want to let her learn the best ways to manage her diabetes, but she has no desire right now.

So I try to walk that very thin line of helping but not controlling.  And it seems most days that I keep getting pushed off.  Then I remind myself... if this is difficult for me, imagine how much of a beast this is for my daughter to comprehend.  To manage.  To accept...

So today, here are my intentions: 

1. Attempt a modified version of the cleanse I started yesterday.  Instead of crashing and burning at 7pm, I hope to add a little more substance to my day.
2. Focus on 5 wonderful things about my daughter today (instead of just continually harping about her sugars, her lack of homework and her messy bedroom.
3. Book a massage.  I've put it off for too long.

I tell my clients every day - you can't put yourself at the bottom of the list for very long... and here I have for almost 6 months.  It's time to change that, before I'm no good to anyone!

Getting back up, and trying to dust off

I pride myself on NOT getting knocked down.  You push, I push back.  Life lays down bumps, I speed up and drive right over them.  In the rare moments I find myself flat on my butt, I don't stay down for long.  Something's collapsed within my coping mechanism...

It started last September, when my daughter - only 14 - was diagnosed with Celiac's.  During this appointment, we also found out her sugars were a little high.  Fast forward to the end of December, and we are now a family with a Type 1 Diabetic.  This is something I never expected, dreamt of or even fathomed.  My little girl has to test 5 -10 times per day, and inject insulin into her tummy 4-6 times each day.  Our lives have been thrown upside down.  Even today, 7 weeks later, not 5 minutes goes by without thinking about diabetes.  Everything affects it, and in a teenager's world... well let's just say there's a million more reasons why the sugars can be all over the place!

Everyone says it takes a full year, or more, to fully accept.  I can wait... but I need to feel GOOD again, way sooner than that.  I've gained weight, I've been too emotional, I've been a handful.  I need to re-centre, and re-focus.  Today is the start of a new way of coping.  I'm not pushing back - I'm leaning into it.  I'm not speeding through bumps, I'm slowing down and either going gently or finding a new road.  Today, I start to grow forward.