Still those tough days...

Let this be a reminder to myself. Let this also be a caution/lesson/aha moment for others:

There are some days that are so hard to be good to myself. I give into temptation instead of saying "NO! This is NOT good for me. I will feel icky when I'm done, and no clever marketing, pretty packaging or sugar craving will make me feed my body something that will make me feel icky!"

So my planned splurge at the Taste of Spring resulted in a 2 pound weight gain. I'm ok with that. I haven't been to the gym in weeks, and the little activity that I've done has not been real heart pumping. I also went a little overboard yesterday by eating a .... get ready for this ... a donut. Emma was astounded. It was yummy, and a good remedy for my burgeoning hangover. But, I will admit, I felt almost stoned an hour later. I was in a zombie like state - not helped by the fat head and sick tummy from my wild night before - but I was on a sugar crash plain and simple. And then, I couldn't contain my cravings. No - correct that - I wouldn't contain my cravings.

I had a light (but large) dessert at the parent in-laws anniversary party. And today, I conscientiously DUG OUT an angel food cupcake, drowned it in nutrawhip and cherries. Telling myself the whole time... "Oh Jacki... don't do this."

So I'm back on the wagon, and back off sugar. I hate it. I hate what it does to me. So back to moderation and consideration of myself.

I have such a crazy wild busy week that I need at least to be physically ready to handle everything that will come up. And apparently the sugar affects my emotional side too, as I'm tearing up instantly yesterday and today. No more. I'm done. Finito.

Have a great Monday!

Let's hear it for NSVs!

For those of you who aren't obsessed with weight loss sites... an NSV is a non-scale victory. A nice way to celebrate changes in your life that aren't always reflected on the scale. I had a good one yesterday.

At my choir practices, once a month, we have a social. People bring tasty delights to tempt and tease. Apparently, no one received my memo about being on Weight Watchers. And no one bothered to clear their treats with me prior to placing them in full view of this self-confirmed junk-aholic. What's a girl to do?

Historically, food spread out along a ledge has been dangerous. Lethal even. I would end up loading my plate, feeling guilty and likely sick to my stomach. Conversely, I would avoid it completely, feel deprived and sorry for myself. But here's what happened last night:

I looked over the options, spying some pineapple and strawberries. I noticed some swiss cheese, crackers and loads and loads of chocolatey concoctions. One particularily caught my attention... walnuts, white chocolate chips andvery meringue looking. So, I grabbed3 pieces of pineapple and 2 strawberries, and walked away. But that cookie was distracting me. I returned for a brief moment to grab a piece of swiss and the smallest of those lovely cookies I could find. Then, I perched myself as far away from the spread, and thouroughly enjoyed my little plate of deliciousness!

It worked. I felt great, I felt in control and I left not starving. And to be truthful, the cookie was no where near as yummy as I imagined it would be. The swiss cheese however? Divine!

New leaves.

I'm gonna start turning some more! I have decided that I am addicted to change. I love the feeling of embarking on a challenge, beginning something new. In the past 12 months this is what I've changed already:

*adding exercise to my life, starting with just 5 minutes a day and now averaging 30-40 minutes a day (in some form)
*portion control, and learning to eat 'enough'
*healthy, healthy, healthy eating habits - inlcuding minimal pre-packaged food
*Taken 4 classes in job search coaching
*Taken 1st level of NCAA coaching certification for bball
*Taken Level 1 manicure course (awaiting certification)

And I know there's more.

Here's my goal for changes in the next 12 months:
*Walking 5K at least once a week
*Daily tidying up. (I really, really suck at this) I want to spend 15 minutes every day cleaning
*Stronger commitment to the environment, including: recycling, reducing packaging, cutting down on the plastics I use/reuse, and small daily changes
*Attend church on a regular basis

And my biggest goal is to to become more positive. I want to be the change that I want to see in the world - and I want to be the woman who sees things in the best light/potential, not always the worst case scenarios.

Here's what I'm eating today:

B1: banana & coffee
B2: homemade maple/brown sugar oatmeal (YUM-MMMMY!)
L1: carrots & hummus
L2: edamame, grapefruit, grapes
D: Baked tilapia, ww noodles with olive oil and parmesean, brocolli

AP: Going to try to take Molly for a 15 minute jog

And... breath...

After 4 days from hell, I am ready for a positive change. One positive change was the scale... Back to the low end of where I've been. I've wrestled with waking up between 162 - 160 for 2 weeks, and this morning, the scale smiled at me and said 158.2 mostly due to stress, perhaps? But I have been eating (just not ravenous like I was since Easter) and getting activity in when I can. No gym, but lots of walking and house cleaning, laundry etc.

I am happy that I seem to not turning to (or away from) food during this stressful time. Now, if only I can smoosh in some time to get to the gym, between laundry loads!

What I'm eating today:

B1: banana & coffee
B2: 2/3 cup shredded wheat n bran, 1/2 cup blueberries & 3/4 cup skim milk
L1: chicken salad, WW ww toast
L2: hummus & carrots
D: 1 cup chili & core corn bread
maybe an small bowl of the new caramel ice cream from safeway: 1 cup = 3 points!

Wow. What a day.

More accurately, what a 24 hour period...

So here's how the past day unfolded: The household is starting to wind down on a Sunday evening. The kid is in bed, and you're preparing yourself a lovely snack (not core, however...) of toast, pb and bananas. When your daughter starts bellowing "Mom, I think I have lice!" Groaning at her lame attempts to cop a shower way past her bedtime... I decide to appease her chronic fobia for the evening by doing a quick check.

Unfortunately, this time the girl is totally right.

So after 6 hours of going through her hair, doing treatments on her and us, changing bed linens, vacuuming and all-around craziness... I finally was able to fall asleep at 3am. She allowed me to do a rough cut of her hair (just to lose some length to go quicker - it looks terrific, BTW!) My poor baby. Poor us.

This was after an already sleep deprived night (poker party!) and busy day of manicure class on Sunday. And I had to go to my class again today at 8:30, DD in tow. My instructor was amazing. Understanding and compassionate, and wonderful with Emma. But I am exhausted. Another 6 loads of bedding washed today, and we'll have to keep this up until we're confident there's no sign of them anywhere. What a daunting task! I'm terrified of reinfestation - more than anything at this point.

Then, out of nowhere (I was trying to have a good self-pity session) I thought of a local family (I went to school with the daddy) whose 11 year old son is fighting for his life. No amount of washing the sheets or combing his hair will fix his problems... So I will face this small hurdle with the attention it deserves - but with none of the woe-is-me syndrome.

And hopefully, we can beat this quickly - so we can focus on way more important things in the world!

Cheers all - give your babies an extra squeeze tonite!
J

Stressitement.

That's how I'm feeling today. Stressed and excited! Excited because the plans are in serious motion for some major interior redesign!

New Windows
New laminate in the livingroom, hallway, Em's room & my office
New carpet in our room (We're thinking that new shag. I'm still in disbelief!)
New lino for kitchen, entrances and bathrooms
New carpet for Justin
New siding
Major landscaping

I'm thrilled. No - way beyond thrilled!

Stressed... money - ohmygosh it's crazy!

$280 for appraisal (necessary for home improvement refinancing)
$150 for energuide appraisal (so we can get some money back for windows & siding)
$750 lawyers fees
And the total of our renovations? GULP. $50,000.00

Here's the good news, though. I mean, outside of the fact that we'll be even closer to a near perfect home... every dime we would recoup if we sold tomorrow! Now, we could of made a similar amount without renos, but what a great time to do it! Especially since we'll be here for at least another 5 years anyways.

Ok. That's my major Stressitement. Here's what I'm feeding my body to handle it today!

B1: banana
B2: 2/3 c. shredded wheat n bran, 3/4 c. blueberries, 2/3 c. skim milk
L1: egg salad (1 egg, 2 egg whites, ff miracle whip, green onions) 2 WW ww toast (1 pt)
L2: tomato soup, veggies
D: roast beef and fried potatoes, frozen veggies

Activity: 20 minutes of strength training, 25 minutes of hard treadmill (15% incline, 4.1 mph)

Here's what appears to be a really great day!

Super Supper

I made this last night, just throwing stuff in... and man, were they TASTY! VE is the line of Epicure Selection spices - and I credit them for the extra burst of flavour! Totally core, or less than 3 pts for a good sized burger!

1 lb ex. lean ground beef
1 lb ex. lean ground turkey
1/3 cup quick rolled oats, crumbled
1/4 cup egg whites
1 tsp wortishire (sp) sauce
1/4 cup ketchup
2 tsp olive oil
SPICES (measures are approximate!)
VE Chili garlic sea salt (1/4 tsp)
VE Herb and garlic sea salt (1/4 tsp)
VE French Onion dip (1 tsp)
VE Sundried tomato dip (1 tsp)
garlic powder (1 tsp)
Lemon Juice (1/2 tbsp)
1 tsp garlic salt
1 pkg of onion soup mix
Combine all together well, and form into approximately 8 med-large patties.

Deadly on the grill!!! Let me tell you, my family went crazy. (Even my fuss-puss kids!) Kenny thought there was bacon in them! They were fairly juicy (for extra lean burgers) and very, very yummy.

Serve with a slice of Fat Free swiss, and sauteed mushrooms & onions... well, I didn't miss the bun, that's for sure!

Balancing Act

Isn't this what life's all about? Balancing work loads, work with life, spouse and kids, a clean house with a house that's lived in... everything has to achieve a balance. Diet and exercise is no different! I have to work on balancing exercise into my life - I can't let little things get into the way of making it a BALANCED priority. I want to balance a good glass of wine with getting my whole grains in. I want to balance a fabulous piece of dark chocolate with some garden fresh green beans....

Does anyone have any good suggestions on how to achieve balance? I could sure use an effective system to keep track!

Emotional Triggers?

I've always maintained that I don't have a lot of emotional triggers to eat. Boredom was really my only excuse - oh and the wicked PMS! But lately, I've noticed times where I used to eat out of anger, sadness and lethargy are being replaced by a desire to be active. I've been eating crazily the last 2 weeks (spurned by Easter, and extended by PMS) but there's been no emotional attachment to it. Purely choice and lack of control. But the way it made me feel allowed me to STOP! and choose an activity yesterday (going to the gym) to make me feel better, instead of using my emotionally blackmailing tool of rationalization. "Well, since I ate like a pig and feel gross, I might as well have this chocolate now while I'm at it" is really translating into: "I'm not worth the effort to pull myself out of this rut. Keep eating, since it's anesthetizing your feelings of self-revile."

Wow. Who wants to feel like THAT? I certainly don't, but it's not that easy to snap out of I see. So a little more reprogramming is necessary to keep me on the right path. But a big HOORAY for a little enlightenment!

What's the deal with weekends?

Ok, so I know I'm not the first person in the weight loss world to take issues with weekends. I go in with the best intentions, and then BAM! Out of nowhere, I start rationalizing things. Ok, I spent an hour cleaning house, that's almost as good as going to the gym, right? I'll have a good lunch when I get home, but right now licorice and some baked cheetos will have to do. A little splurge on supper won't hurt, I'm on maintenance...

And by the end of the night, I'm feeling like a stuffed pork chop, all lazy and BLECH. I woke up so grouchy this morning... but why? Oh right. I treated my body like crap yesterday. Core food what? I don't think I had more than3 items that would be considered core yesterday. So today, this is what's up:

• I've already done 20 minutes of hard strength training & 20 mins of 15% @4.1 on the treadmill
• I am having a yummy breakfast of turkey bacon, eggs, possibly some ww WW toast, fruit salad and timmy's coffee (thanks for the coffee hon!)
• I am letting Emma-Leigh pick from my list of approved of clean eating meals. (Um yeah, that's always a fun conversation. No Emma, mcnuggets aren't on the list. No Emma, bologna is not on the list.)
• I'm hoping to wash my car (if it doesn't start to rain here)

I feel better already... and can't wait for my yummy yummy breakfast!

My story continues

So fast forward 15 months. I have lost 91 pounds, and have kept it off since reaching my 88 pound goal in November. I achieved lifetime membership, and have unwravelled a whole new world of challenges... maintenance.

I understood losing. Sacrifice and extra exercise, constant moderation and monitoring. Maintenance (even with all the warnings) seemed like a destination. Ease up on some of the vigilance... splurge on the odd thing here and there. The trouble with that is, it opens up tiny little wholes for my bad habits to creep in. So I am working on losing another 9 pounds, taking my sweet arse time with it, and trying to tone up some excess skin along the way. It's slow going. I've been playing with the same 5-6 pounds since Christmas, but I am committed to reaching 149.9 by September. That's less than 1.5 pounds a month. If it doesn't pick up soon, I may just go back to weight loss mode to get there. But I'll play it by ear for now.

When I look back at what I've lost over the last 14 months, it's actually much more about what I've gained:
* A lot more self confidence (must keep that in check now, some days!!!)
* Energy. I have much more to spare. I just can't sit in front of the TV like I used to!
* Better eating habits. In general!
* Smaller portion sizes (AKA reasonable portions!)
* The love of clean eating. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm working on it!
* A much better legacy to leave for my daughter.... there will be many posts on the struggles I face with this.

Ok, time for bed. I am struggling with getting enough sleep lately, so I'd best start the night time routine a little earlier from now on.

An Introduction to me...

So what do I have talk about? What is my motivation behind spilling my guts online? Well, like most North Americans.... I have had a weight problem. For most of my life, I have walked past mirrors and didn't like the reflection. But worse - I was lacking the energy to get up and walk past a mirror in the first place! My daughter would ask me to go outside and shoot some hoops, but the thought of being out of breath, the sore knees and ankles that were plaguing me, and the idea of how I might look silly overwhelmed me to the point of missing out on some really special times with her. Since getting married, the scale had slowly crept up to 249.6 pounds. Who was this person that lost so much control of herself?

I was not happy. I struggled with emotional issues from many attempts at quitting smoking, being on and off the pill, learning to live with my new husband, and blended family issues were abundant. I was flying into rages over nothing, and was truly unable to find joy in even the most wonderful moments of my life. Our wedding was lovely, but the honeymoon even ended in vicious arguements - mostly due to my emotional rollercoaster and my new husband's disgust for my smoking habit...

Things HAD to change. I quit the pill for good. After several poor attempts, I also quit smoking for good. I went through some personal counselling, and we even tried some marriage counselling. The latter was not not my husband's idea of a good time and so we ended up not returning. Things still seemed so tense - I was always so unhappy. Fighting to get control in my new life seemed so useless. There were kid issues that seemed destined to destroy us, because I wanted some control... I soon realized what really needed my control. The scale wasn't telling me I was in trouble - I refused to step on it. My knees and ankles were now in chronic pain, and I was walking around like I was 90. But when I had to buy a pair of 24 jeans, I couldn't fool myself any longer. A couple of really awful Christmas pictures from 2006 sealed the deal: I was seriously overweight.

On Janulary 3rd, 2007 I joined Weight Watchers. I thought to myself, "Hey. I can lose 30 - 40 pounds, right?" Well, I had obviously done a great job of fooling myself, because when I saw my little book pop with the numbers 249.6, I felt like I needed to get my big ol' behind right out of there. 87 pounds??? They wanted me to lose 87 POUNDS?

A brief discussion with my husband went something like this:
Me "Kenny, I can't do this. That's just too big of a goal for me."
Him "You can do it. I'll help."
Me "But it will cost alot of money, and take an awful long time."
Him "You can do it. I'll help."

So I began my Weight Watchers journey.

New Goals, New Blog

Ok, so I've totally slacked in the blogging department. Love adding pictures, but talking to myself has been a chore lately. I need to focus once again on me - if only for the small part that is my health... :~)

I will commit to regular posting - it is the easiest way to manage my personal mental, emotional and eating health! Hopefully the new venue will make it at least convenient, if not easier.