A New Years Like No Others!

I am the queen of resolutions. Seriously - ask anyone who knows me. I am in a constant state of renovation, inside and out. Many of my resolutions fail, many only partially succeed. But the reason I keep making them, like 1 good shot on a golf course, is because ONCE in a while... I make them stick.

Over the years, my resolutions looked similar. Lose weight. Exercise more. Spend less. Lose weight. Quit smoking. Most of these never made it through to February.

However, this New Years will mark:

• 12 years since I resolved to NEVER let a person destroy my inner confidence again
• 10 years since I resolved to make my daughter the centre of my life
• 3 years since I resolved to quit smoking
• 2 years since I resolved to eat healthier
• 1 year since I resolved to maintain my goal weight

And this year, I have many areas from which to draw my resolution(s) from. But what I do know is, my resolutions will be a reflection of truly building the woman I was meant to be. Not the reflection of someone else's goals and desires (or lack thereof), not projecting some image of who I think others think I should be... my resolutions this year will be my gift to myself for surviving and thriving during what has been my biggest hurdle - my biggest burden - ever placed in my path. It's my reward for growing stronger instead of becoming weak.

Foodwise, Christmas has posed some interesting challenges. I have worked hard over the last 2 years to be able to enjoy myself, but I am finding very little joy in feeling gross from over eating (only 2 times, really) or from eating the junk. I am realizing, albeit slowly and somewhat painfully, that most of it just isn't worth it. But those wolves - those howling pangs of the past - constantly lurk at my door. "Awww that looks so yummy" "A few won't hurt" "Better eat them now, before they're gone"... I've got to start howling back.

Peace and joy to you during this blessed season. And my next post will greet you with the fresh new perspective of 2009!

Ok, ready to go.

So many of my family and friends who read this know why I took such a long hiatus. Some may not. My husband, of a mere 3 years, decided to call it quits. Though not shocking (our life was not the least complicated I've ever seen) I was indeed in shock. My emotions, along with my weight, have been up and down.

Fear, anger, sadness... all reflected in my eating habits. I dropped 10 pounds in a week, and went up and down for the last 3 months.

But here I am, back in my hometown with people who love us, in our new house (I'll post some pictures) and ready for the road that is ahead.

I have started a small weight loss support group for some friends and family that were ready to begin their own journey. There are 5 of us, and in total, we've lost more than 30 pounds in 3 weeks. We are pretty much ROCKIN' it out!

Emma & I are good. We will be great in no time. Maybe less than no time...

Good things.

This is love.

Arden in her new Riders gear from Auntie J!

Tick tock

The minutes are just crawling by right now. Food is the last thing on my mind, but it somehow permeates every thought - only it's a negative thought. The thought of food right now repulses me until I can't function one more second without it... then I eat without abandon. Never too much right now, because the nervousness of my stomach can't take it.

I'll write a book one day that says "How to Lose 10 pounds and 1 husband in 8 days"...

Good to see my sense of humour returning. That has to be a good sign. Of something...

Readers... Friends... Pray for us...

Jacki

Wow.

Won't be posting for a while. Eating less important than sanity right now.

Pick me up.

I love when little things can be a big pick me up! With the new fall routine shaping itself up, and all the changes happening to my baby and in our lives, I was feeling a little veclempt. I even cried a little when registering Emma for hip-hop dance classes (a new thing for me... perhaps I'll go on about that sometime soon). I am looking forward to this weekend, I think we should have some fun - possibly the lake with Ken's auntie Julie & family on Saturday, then the Labour Day game with my family on Sunday. But I was having trouble sparking up for it.

Then today I went to lunch with an old work friend I haven't seen in years. It was so great to be able to relay positive news in my life (she knew me when things weren't so rosy!) She is one of those "bounce back" girls - she always lands on her feet. Strong and brave, and very confident in her abilities. It was so nice to be able to relate with her in a "Damn, I feel good!" kind of way!

I feel great.

B1: Banana & coffee (1)
B2: toast, peanut butter & jam (3)
L1: side salad & dynamite rolls (8)
L2: left over stirfry (4)
D: pitza (pita pizza) (4)
SN: ??? have 3-5 pts...

AP: Hmmmm. not too much... but I'll make up for it tomorrow!

Crash and burn. Sort of.

So I knew that last night's celebration of my father's birthday would NOT be point friendly. But, the plans were to hang out at the park, so I thought at least I could work off some calories! Unfortunately, the weather did not cooperate, so we ordered in. And it was Chinese.

And to make matters worse, I thought I would curb my crazy hunger before supper by snacking on a handful of dried fruit. The package I bought had the best NI I'd seen, and a handful would only by3 points. Except that I mindlessly ate the whole bag. 11 points. HOLY CRAP BATMAN!

So I had a 40 point day yesterday, with no activity. AWESOME.

So obviously my plan is to get back on track big time today!

B1: banana with 1 tsp pb (2)
B2: heritage flakes cereal, blueberries & ff milk (3)
L1: pork sandwich (if there's pork left) (4)
L2: salad, grapefruit (1)
D: tofu stirfry? I have to shop, so we'll see. (8)
SN: popcorn (2)

AP: GETTIN MY BUTT TO THE GYM! And walking Emma to & from school!

The key to emotional eating...

I don't know if I necessarily HAVE the key... but I am certainly learning how to spot it more. I had planned a great breakfast of left over roasted potatoes and eggs in a scramble for this morning... but after returning from dropping Emm off at her new school to start grade 5, I found myself craving carbs. My comfort food...

So I settled by skipping the egg, just going for egg white, and having one WW slice of toast with PB & jam. And, more importantly, I listened to the real hunger versus the emotional one. Now to just get through the rest of my day waiting to hear how things went for her today!!!!

Here's my plan:

B1: banana (1)
B2: potato & egg white scramble, toast pb & sf jam (5)
L1: open faced pork sandwich, salad
L2: grapefruit, watermelon, cuke
D: YIKES out at burger cabin. NO FRIES, JACKI....

AP: Stress, a quick walk and some possible action at the park tonite.

Back to life, back to reality

Had a wonderfulllllll holiday. Put on a couple of more pounds, so a little more damage control. I'm looking forward to routine and self discipline again!

No excuses, just hard work and staying true to my goals. And lots of fab clothes I want to fit in!

Here's my plan for today: (23 pts)

B1: toast, pb, 2 eggs, watermelon (9)
B2: coffee & dark chocolate (wasn't part of the plan, but I'm adding it now...) (1)
L1: garden tomatoes & cucumbers, grapefruit (1)
L2: salad w/ginger soy dressing, toast with mw & tomatoes (3)
D: teriyaki salmon skewers, new potatoes, green beens? (6)
SN: cereal & ff milk (3)

AP: trampoline, gym for 30 mins, walk with Ken?

It's all behind me now.

Until Christmas, I now have no other "major" events to worry about! Kenny & I enjoyed our pre-anniversary celebrations on the weekend. Being kidless, we were able to enjoy all (and I do mean ALL) our favourite foods we miss when we're with kids. I completely over ate, and enjoyed the foods we don't ever eat. And now, I'm good for a long while!

I had a great day yesterday, and felt great this morning (despite the serious lack of sleep. Thanks to my little chicken, Emma!)

Here's my plan for today:
B1: Banana, coffee (1)
B2: multi grain bread, pb, jam, egg (6)
L1: salmon salad (3)
L2: movie popcorn, diet coke (5)
D: corn on the cob, smokies, fresh tomatoes & cucumbers from the garden! (5)

AP: If none from walking to the movie, then I'll go to the gym tonite.

Outlook.

Not the email variety. What a complete difference my attitude makes in how successful I am each day. My day got a little wonky with a last minute trip to the doctor for my daughter - eating up the only 90 minutes I had to do any exercise. So I felt yucky and a little defeated, so I caved and ate too many nachos last night. I was so bloated this morning.

So I decided to will be the day I start to lose the extra 6 pounds that have crept up over the summer. And that's all there is to it. Back to basics.

B1: banana, coffee (1)
B2: raisin bran, ff milk (4)
L1: caesar salad (3)
L2: tomato soup, veggies(2)
D: burgers, not sure what else at my mom's (7)
SN: Chicken dumplings from ESBM (3)
(Leaving 4 pts for unknowns, and one glass of wine)

Not sure how I will earn some APs today - but I'll make sure I move any time can today!

Reprogramming

So I was thinking a lot about the idea of reprogramming. This morning, my daughter and I had a very lengthy and mostly loud conversation about eating habits and exercise. She has spent the majority of her holidays on the couch, asking when she could eat next. I don't keep yucky treats in the house, but she was obsessing about what her next snack would be. She's gained a few pounds over the holidays... while her self esteem has decreased, by worrying has done the opposite.

She did not like the conversation we had about healthy eating and exercise. She kept saying "You think I'm fat". Programmed. I told her I love her no matter what - but that I was concerned for her lack of energy, her health and her self-esteem. "You think I'm fat". Over and over.

But what I realized is that it has to become important to HER - otherwise she will internalize it as her thinking I think she's fat. I need her to see the effects - not just on the scale or in her clothes - in very tangible ways that she can understand. Anyone have any suggestions?

I made her a fairly healthy and light lunch today - I hope that she feels motivated to go outside for the afternoon. The TV's going off in a few minutes - so that will likely mean the world will end for one little girl.... :)

Here's my plan:

B1: Raisin bran, ff milk (4)
B2: grapes (1)
L1: bagel w/lt cream cheese, cucumbers (4)
L2: caesar salad (4)
D: Ok - for real this time - Hakuna Frittata (4)
SN: Baked nachos, with veggie ground & lt cheese. (3), 2 beer (3)
*In celebration of watching the Riders kick it out once again!!!!!

AP: gym, 30 mins

Addiction issues. Is fat on the list of addictive substances?

Cuz it should be. I was reflecting on my mindless shoveling of mini donuts and elephant ear carcasses from the fair, and realized that I didn't even ENJOY the taste of them. The first one had a nice warm texture and sweet smell, but the grease was overwhelmingly the flavour. And it tasted awful, but I kept shoveling.

I realized that the mind plays tricks on you. Should we, as evolved human beings, crave the food that fuels us best? Survival of fittest would indicate that this should be the case. Maybe the health nuts will be the fittest and survive? Well heck, count me in! My favourite treats these days:

• fresh, cold watermelon
• fresh hummus, extra garlic, with whole wheat pita chips
• red ripe tomatoes with sea salt and pepper
• looking forward to cucumbers from my garden!!!

So why does my body still CRAVE fat and sugar - the things that could potentially kill me? Addiction. Plain and simple. The problem is that you can't avoid it completely - unlike other addictions. So I have to moderate the addiction while still consuming fats and sugars occasionally (though, I do limit them an awful lot). Not easy, but hopefully the changes from the past 18 months, in combination with some reprogramming will aid in my managing this addiction for the long haul. And hopefully I can lessen the addiction my daughter has in time to avoid so many pitfalls of an unhealthy teenage diet!

Here's my plan for today:

B1: banana & coffee (1)
B2: yogurt, blueberries & corn squares (3)
L1: Caesar salad (3)
L2: veggies & dip (1)
D: Hakuna Frittata (didn't get to make this yesterday!) (6)
S: cereal & milk (3)

AP: brisk 20 minute walk, mini-workout & some trampoline time!

Well, we'll just call that a lesson learned.

A lesson I've spent a lifetime learning. What is WITH me and fried foods? The fair was a beautiful disaster. I finished eating the elephant ear, despite the sore tummy. And I paid for it.... gawd did I pay for it.

I worked out extra hard at the gym yesterday (that plus the 10+ hours of walking at the fair) and the damage is still massive. Back to the basics for sure now.

We planned a great day yesterday - lots of activity and plenty of good food choices. I even backed out of a Moose Jaw trip since they were doing chinese for supper. Good Jacki.

Today should be equally good:
B1: shredded wheat n bran, blueberries & ff milk (4)
B2: banana, coffee (1)
L1: pizza (homemade, ww crust, lf cheese) (6)
L2: veggies n dip (1)
D: Frittatta (Hakuna frittata, actually!) (4)
S: popcorn (4)
AP: did some gardening - walking to the movie

Gotta Make It Count

Well, I'm going to the fair tomorrow. Yup - all the sights, sounds and smells of the toughest temptation for me to resist: fair food. We're planning to go after eating a healthy and filling lunch, and we will pack lots of water and healthy snacks. Supper will be at the fair, but I'll go to the gym in the morning, and earn a couple of APs to help make it more doable. I won't go without - but I will moderate.

Here's what today looked like:

B1: Banana, toast, PB & jam (4)
B2: ff cappuccino (1)
L1: 1 egg, 2 toast, pb (I was craving it!) jam (7)
L2: baked chips & salsa (4)
D: beers, salad, corn on the cob (5 + beers)
SN: bowl of cereal

(Ok, beers have to stop!)

AP: weights (10 mins) housework, 5 min hard walk at the gym (funny story about that... well not really.)

Here's to hours of walking tomorrow!!!

(Self talk: Good work on the post Jacki. Cuz you sure wanted to talk about other stuff than how you handled food today...)

Feels like a Monday...

Ugh. I'm depressed today. The news from Manitoba was so tragic - it set me into a serious downfall today. The scale climbed up again, and I'm so down about it. I've had a rough week - Birthday parties (3!), sickness and then the ravenous rebound. I'm up from Friday, but down from the beginning of July. But I feel so flubby.

I need to corify. I know that. But summer makes it so tough. Or I make it tough. Or both. No exercise + no core = unhappy, unmotivated Jacki.

Here's the plan. Add some exercise, add more core. Easy. RIGHT??? :)

B1: Raisin bran, ff milk (4)
B2: banana, homemade strawberry ice cream (so much better than boughten - taste & nutrition wise!) (3)
L1: hummus with carrots & cukes (2)
L2: salad with croûtons & soy ginger dressing (2)
D: Home made pizza (6)

Activity: 20 mins treadmill, 15 mins weights (OR: 45 minute walk, 15 mins trampoline)

See, even just making the plan feels better. Imagine how great I'll feel following through!

Blech. I Hate Being Sick!

I haven't been sick in almost 3 years. And today, I seemed to have acquired flu-like symptoms. Crampy stomach. Feverish (though no fever!), headache and stiffness.

Slept most of the day, and could only tolerate carby type foods, though not a lot.

Going back to bed now, though the stomach pains are pretty bad tonite. Hopefully I will feel more human again tomorrow...

Another Year Older - and defintely wiser!

So my birthday came and went - with much fun, food and craziness to be had! After a wonderful party on Saturday night with both siblings (that's never happened!) and some great friends; a laugh-a-minute shower for my sister in law on Sunday; and a family supper and football fest later that day - well the food and drink were a-flowin'!

I feel like I did not go super crazy - though did enjoy myself thoroughly! I didn't drink a silly amount, but did try to drink lots of water, and fill myself with fruits and veggies before diving into the delicious dishes my husband & I prepared for the weekend.

I did pretty well.

I got spoiled. Lovely presents from friends and family (including an inside & out car wash, replica LV purse & spa treatment from hubby; adorable "mom" book, dark chocolate and a gc to Suzy Shier from Emma; Indian cook book from Justin; cute tank, matching earings & flip flops from my sis et al; 2 bottles of wine from my bro et al; a beautiful vase from Dar; Lots of partylite candles from Nic; a gift card from Jacquie & Darrell; Marguerita pop set from Cheryl & Scott; cash and wine from my inlaws; ESBM and cash from my folks)... well yeah. Spoiled about sums it up!

And I spoiled myself. For my birthday, I finally got the tattoo I've been dreaming of since the first week I started Weight Watchers more than a year and a half ago! It's the chinese symbol for Achievement, protected by 2 dragons: A great reminder to not give up on all the hard work I've done. Each cherry blossom is representing my family: Emma, Ken, Mom, Dad, Nathan, Arden, Andrea & Sonam. It's the stereotypical "tramp stamp" location on my lower back - something I NEVER would have gotten when I was heavy. It's also a great motivation to tone up more so I can show it off!!!

Thanks Miss B for the reminder. So hard to take the time for me to get this done... *Hugs*!

Day 2

Short and Sweet today!

B1: banana toast, pb & sf jam (4)
B2: raisin bran & ff milk (4)
L1: left over curry & ciapati (3)
L2: cuke salad, tomato soup (3)
D: sub or salad... (5)
SN: yogurt & berries (3)

AP: I WILL GO FOR A WALK TODAY!!!

On Track for Day 3

I'm on track for a really good day. I'm not overly hungry today, and I should get lots of activity in. Here's my plan for today:

B1: raisin bran, ff milk (4)
B2: banana split smoothie (2)
L1: left over tofu stirfry (4)
L2: tomato soup (2)
D: Souvlaki, french fries, green beans (7)
Sn: Skinny cow (2)

AP: walks, trampoline, crunches

Day 2 And Feeling Great

Attitude should be a class taught in highschool. It influences people more than any other single (controlable) force. Seeing things in their most positive light is ALWAYS going to render a more successful outcome. I know this, and yet it's still a struggle some days!

But, I had a very good day yesterday. Not perfect, but a big improvement of late. I am craving sugar again, and that's only because I've allowed it a lot in the last couple of weeks. Emma & I are on the healthy band wagon together, and it's amazing how feeling good about yourself allows you to make the healthiest decisions a lot more consistently!

Summer is remarkably hard with the constant call of ice cream, cold drinks, deck food (aka Munchies). I don't want to avoid them all - but instead fall back on my tried and true method of smart portion control, and of course added activity. Which I did yesterday! Still need more work there, for sure. Not to mention my post-supper snacking. I'm ok past 8:00, but an hour after supper I start rummaging for sweet stuff. Have to find ways to combat that. Any suggestions?

So today I have a plan, and I'm not afraid to use it!

Day 2
B1: banana with FF pudding dip (2)
B2: cereal, berries, raisins, milk (5)
L1: tomato soup, toast w/cheese whiz (low fat) (4)
L2: grapefruit, cukes (1)
D: tofu stirfry (5)
SN: skinny cow bar, cereal (5)

AP: brisk walk (20 mins), trampoline (20 mins), crunches (75)

OUCH!

Ok. That hurt. I have been consistently hovering around the 159-162 mark for 3 months, occasionally creeping higher after food-filled weekends. But after what was by far NOT an overly bad weekend, the scale jumped to over 170 last night! I almost cried. That was 6 pounds gained in 3 days. In retrospect, there was a lot of salt, quite a bit of booze, and not a lot of water or veggies.

So back to the drawing board. This morning, I was back to just over 167, but I am DETERMINED to maintain under 163. That's where I'm happy.

I have been SUPER lax on the working out front. I've spent tons of time on the trampoline, but I have to keep mixing it up, for sure.

Here's to going back to the beginning.... yet again!


Day 1 Menu & Plan

B1: banana, pineapple FF pudding dip (2)
B2: WW ww bagel, 2 tbsp FF c. cheese, egg, 1 toast (6)
L1: Miso soup (3)
L2: salad & veggies (1)
D: BBQ Terriyaki Chicken, wild, brown & white rice, brocolli (7)
S: Cereal (3)

AP: 20 minute brisk walk, 30 mins on trampoline, crunches (75), arm weights

Sheepishly poking my head back in...

So how's this for ridiculous:

I haven't posted for more than 6 weeks.
I missed my June weigh in
I have been to the gym twice in 4 weeks
I have made bread a way-too-big part of my diet

The good news is I'm still in my normal range for weight. The bad news is my energy is way down.

The good news is I am still very conscientious of it. The bad news I haven't written in my journal or posted for way too long.

The renovations are done - we just have yard work and the garage to complete. I should have more time to focus on my health. We purchased a trampoline today that will be my main source of activity for the next 4 months for sure - so I have NO excuses not to get in a great cardio & core workout!

I feel good about my maintenance - but need to worry about those last stubborn little pounds!!!

Day 2

Well I had a pretty good day yesterday! I am seeing the areas where I need to focus on (the little bites here and there are sneaking up on me) I counted everything I ate yesterday (which I don't HAVE to do, but I find the accountability good for me) and ended up with a net points of 24 (including using 3 APs) I went over because I had sunflower seeds at Emma's game last night, and a bowl of cereal, oh yeah, and 4 bites of Emma's blizzard....

So night time snacking has to be monitored as well.

Here's my plan for today: (Flex) CORE

B1: banana, coffee (1pt) CORE
B2: diced potatoes, egg whites, green onions, turkey bacon (3 pts) 1 PT CORE
L1: asparagus, fruit cocktail in water (1 pt) CORE
L2: black bean dip, carrots, cukes, 1 pita (4 pts) 2 PTS CORE
D: taco salad (6 pts) 1 PT for cheese CORE
SN: popcorn (2 pts) CORE; shredded wheat n bran, ff milk, blueberries (3 pts) CORE

Activity: 20 minute fast walk (1AP); softball (1AP)

I'm hoping my determination and positive outlook today will hold me through a very busy schedule, keeping me on plan!!!

Day 1

Wow, that brings me back to an odd mix of feelings! Excitment, a little fear, and a whole lot of the unknown! So I had a pretty big gain over the weekend (no surprise at all!) so as of right now, I have 13.5 pounds to lose. Here's what I'm eating today to get started: (FLEX) CORE

B1: banana w/p butter (3 pts) 2 PT
B2: shredded wheat n bran, blueberries, ff milk (4 pts) CORE
L1: turkey burger (no bun), cucumbers, ff sour cream dip (2 pts) (CORE)
L2: black bean dip, carrots, grapfruit (3 pts) CORE
D: baked tilapia, boiled potatoes, brocolli, Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich (8 pts) 2 PT
1 square dark chocolate (1 pt) 1 PT

I will go to the gym today - even if it means leaving Emma at Ken's softball game!!! 25 mins hard tread (15%, 4.2) and 10 mins of arm weights (3 APs)

I want to ride the enthusiasm I'm feeling this morning (even after a really, really out of control weekend). I conscientiously made my choices, taking a 'weekend' off. I'm just not sure when I'm going to realize that those weekends off take a big toll on me:

• My guts feel GROSS!
• I lacked energy 2 of the 4 days this weekend
• It causes me to crave fatty/sugary foods
• The weight is just not worth the feeling I had for brief moment of defeat last night.

So, here's to a short work week, and a really really good plan for the day! Have a great one!

New Goal.

So I am teetering on the line between adjusting to my new body, and suffering from societal body image pressures. The new America's Top Model has been hailed a "plus size" model at size 8-10. Hard for me to reconcile that a size 8-10 is where I'm at - and was considered my goal. Why can't they just call her "normal"? I realize that in the modeling world, size 0-2 is considered normal. But what I don't understand is how they can get away with calling this plus size, or full figured?

Having said that, I do have to come to terms to what body size I should be. At the beginning of my journey, I thought that 155 was my ideal size. And I do feel really good, (3 lbs shy of the goal) and have been able to quite easily maintain this weight. But, and this is for health reasons MOSTLY, I worry about the belly fat I still have. So I am making it my goal to try to lose 10 more pounds, and tighten up my tummy. I am setting a time frame of my birthday (more than 8 weeks away) to lose the 10 pounds.

So here I go, back into the losing mentality.

• I am committed to sticking to Core principles, not sacrificing healthy food for lower calories.
• I will use dictator-like commitment in incorporating more cardio based activities, and pushing my heart a little more.
• I will watch and lower my sodium intake.

Here's to trying something to further improve my health, adjust my body image and reconcile the new me to my OWN standards.

Have a wonderful short week all!

Whew!

The week from hell is on the verge of ending. My choir wraps up on Saturday with a performance that I'm more than just slightly nervous about. I was given a solo part... but not for my vocal skills. I get to belch at the end of a song. You know - I think I'd be less nervous if I were singing!!! I'm just terrified that my good strong burping skills will get lost at that one shining moment. Oh well, I've trained for this part all my life - I just have to trust that my belching abilities will be there when I need them! :)

Among other things is Mother's Day this weekend. I'm looking forward to being spoiled by Emma-Leigh (she's so good at spoiling me!) and having Kenny take me flower shopping with my mom and dad. I can't wait!

Food wise, it's been a tough go this week. I know there were some very conscientous choices made that were good, but too many that were bad. Pizza last night was MY idea - and I had 4 pieces. ARGH. But - it was a treat I haven't had in months, and I enjoyed it with the beer I had... ARGH! The last 7 days have included: avacodo spring rolls, pizza, hotdogs, wine and beer. But I have not overeaten at all this week - kept very busy and managed to eat very healthily in between the indulgences. The scale has gone up and down all week, but getting to the gym for the first time in 3 weeks (ARGH!) this morning really boosted my energy so I feel pretty great!

Here's my food plan for the day:

B1: banana, cappuccino
B2: grapefruit
L1: 1/2 turkey sub
L2: Miso soup & veggies
D: I feel like something really spicy tonite... I think I might make a chickpea curry or something!

Have a very Happy Mother's Day ladies!

Don't get lost in the busy.

Aye. Great advice - if you remember to use it! Ken & I were feeling so out of it last night. We're tired, we're stressed, we're over-extended. We have NO free nights until May 29th. This is NO lie! Between ball executive meetings, choir, hockey, ball games and miscellaneous activities - we are booked until May 29th! (And now poker on May 31st too!)

I'm not complaining. I LOVE being busy. Many of the activities are social in nature, and I do enjoy that. But what I don't like is my health being neglected. I have not been able to make it to the gym for almost 3 weeks. I am going to move mountains to get there today, in between picking Justin up, dropping him off at home, and returning 45 minutes later to get Emma.

So anyone who is reading this: DO NOT let your health slide. YOU ARE IMPORTANT! And so totally worth the extra effort to ensure you feel fabulous for many years to come!

Still those tough days...

Let this be a reminder to myself. Let this also be a caution/lesson/aha moment for others:

There are some days that are so hard to be good to myself. I give into temptation instead of saying "NO! This is NOT good for me. I will feel icky when I'm done, and no clever marketing, pretty packaging or sugar craving will make me feed my body something that will make me feel icky!"

So my planned splurge at the Taste of Spring resulted in a 2 pound weight gain. I'm ok with that. I haven't been to the gym in weeks, and the little activity that I've done has not been real heart pumping. I also went a little overboard yesterday by eating a .... get ready for this ... a donut. Emma was astounded. It was yummy, and a good remedy for my burgeoning hangover. But, I will admit, I felt almost stoned an hour later. I was in a zombie like state - not helped by the fat head and sick tummy from my wild night before - but I was on a sugar crash plain and simple. And then, I couldn't contain my cravings. No - correct that - I wouldn't contain my cravings.

I had a light (but large) dessert at the parent in-laws anniversary party. And today, I conscientiously DUG OUT an angel food cupcake, drowned it in nutrawhip and cherries. Telling myself the whole time... "Oh Jacki... don't do this."

So I'm back on the wagon, and back off sugar. I hate it. I hate what it does to me. So back to moderation and consideration of myself.

I have such a crazy wild busy week that I need at least to be physically ready to handle everything that will come up. And apparently the sugar affects my emotional side too, as I'm tearing up instantly yesterday and today. No more. I'm done. Finito.

Have a great Monday!

Let's hear it for NSVs!

For those of you who aren't obsessed with weight loss sites... an NSV is a non-scale victory. A nice way to celebrate changes in your life that aren't always reflected on the scale. I had a good one yesterday.

At my choir practices, once a month, we have a social. People bring tasty delights to tempt and tease. Apparently, no one received my memo about being on Weight Watchers. And no one bothered to clear their treats with me prior to placing them in full view of this self-confirmed junk-aholic. What's a girl to do?

Historically, food spread out along a ledge has been dangerous. Lethal even. I would end up loading my plate, feeling guilty and likely sick to my stomach. Conversely, I would avoid it completely, feel deprived and sorry for myself. But here's what happened last night:

I looked over the options, spying some pineapple and strawberries. I noticed some swiss cheese, crackers and loads and loads of chocolatey concoctions. One particularily caught my attention... walnuts, white chocolate chips andvery meringue looking. So, I grabbed3 pieces of pineapple and 2 strawberries, and walked away. But that cookie was distracting me. I returned for a brief moment to grab a piece of swiss and the smallest of those lovely cookies I could find. Then, I perched myself as far away from the spread, and thouroughly enjoyed my little plate of deliciousness!

It worked. I felt great, I felt in control and I left not starving. And to be truthful, the cookie was no where near as yummy as I imagined it would be. The swiss cheese however? Divine!

New leaves.

I'm gonna start turning some more! I have decided that I am addicted to change. I love the feeling of embarking on a challenge, beginning something new. In the past 12 months this is what I've changed already:

*adding exercise to my life, starting with just 5 minutes a day and now averaging 30-40 minutes a day (in some form)
*portion control, and learning to eat 'enough'
*healthy, healthy, healthy eating habits - inlcuding minimal pre-packaged food
*Taken 4 classes in job search coaching
*Taken 1st level of NCAA coaching certification for bball
*Taken Level 1 manicure course (awaiting certification)

And I know there's more.

Here's my goal for changes in the next 12 months:
*Walking 5K at least once a week
*Daily tidying up. (I really, really suck at this) I want to spend 15 minutes every day cleaning
*Stronger commitment to the environment, including: recycling, reducing packaging, cutting down on the plastics I use/reuse, and small daily changes
*Attend church on a regular basis

And my biggest goal is to to become more positive. I want to be the change that I want to see in the world - and I want to be the woman who sees things in the best light/potential, not always the worst case scenarios.

Here's what I'm eating today:

B1: banana & coffee
B2: homemade maple/brown sugar oatmeal (YUM-MMMMY!)
L1: carrots & hummus
L2: edamame, grapefruit, grapes
D: Baked tilapia, ww noodles with olive oil and parmesean, brocolli

AP: Going to try to take Molly for a 15 minute jog

And... breath...

After 4 days from hell, I am ready for a positive change. One positive change was the scale... Back to the low end of where I've been. I've wrestled with waking up between 162 - 160 for 2 weeks, and this morning, the scale smiled at me and said 158.2 mostly due to stress, perhaps? But I have been eating (just not ravenous like I was since Easter) and getting activity in when I can. No gym, but lots of walking and house cleaning, laundry etc.

I am happy that I seem to not turning to (or away from) food during this stressful time. Now, if only I can smoosh in some time to get to the gym, between laundry loads!

What I'm eating today:

B1: banana & coffee
B2: 2/3 cup shredded wheat n bran, 1/2 cup blueberries & 3/4 cup skim milk
L1: chicken salad, WW ww toast
L2: hummus & carrots
D: 1 cup chili & core corn bread
maybe an small bowl of the new caramel ice cream from safeway: 1 cup = 3 points!

Wow. What a day.

More accurately, what a 24 hour period...

So here's how the past day unfolded: The household is starting to wind down on a Sunday evening. The kid is in bed, and you're preparing yourself a lovely snack (not core, however...) of toast, pb and bananas. When your daughter starts bellowing "Mom, I think I have lice!" Groaning at her lame attempts to cop a shower way past her bedtime... I decide to appease her chronic fobia for the evening by doing a quick check.

Unfortunately, this time the girl is totally right.

So after 6 hours of going through her hair, doing treatments on her and us, changing bed linens, vacuuming and all-around craziness... I finally was able to fall asleep at 3am. She allowed me to do a rough cut of her hair (just to lose some length to go quicker - it looks terrific, BTW!) My poor baby. Poor us.

This was after an already sleep deprived night (poker party!) and busy day of manicure class on Sunday. And I had to go to my class again today at 8:30, DD in tow. My instructor was amazing. Understanding and compassionate, and wonderful with Emma. But I am exhausted. Another 6 loads of bedding washed today, and we'll have to keep this up until we're confident there's no sign of them anywhere. What a daunting task! I'm terrified of reinfestation - more than anything at this point.

Then, out of nowhere (I was trying to have a good self-pity session) I thought of a local family (I went to school with the daddy) whose 11 year old son is fighting for his life. No amount of washing the sheets or combing his hair will fix his problems... So I will face this small hurdle with the attention it deserves - but with none of the woe-is-me syndrome.

And hopefully, we can beat this quickly - so we can focus on way more important things in the world!

Cheers all - give your babies an extra squeeze tonite!
J

Stressitement.

That's how I'm feeling today. Stressed and excited! Excited because the plans are in serious motion for some major interior redesign!

New Windows
New laminate in the livingroom, hallway, Em's room & my office
New carpet in our room (We're thinking that new shag. I'm still in disbelief!)
New lino for kitchen, entrances and bathrooms
New carpet for Justin
New siding
Major landscaping

I'm thrilled. No - way beyond thrilled!

Stressed... money - ohmygosh it's crazy!

$280 for appraisal (necessary for home improvement refinancing)
$150 for energuide appraisal (so we can get some money back for windows & siding)
$750 lawyers fees
And the total of our renovations? GULP. $50,000.00

Here's the good news, though. I mean, outside of the fact that we'll be even closer to a near perfect home... every dime we would recoup if we sold tomorrow! Now, we could of made a similar amount without renos, but what a great time to do it! Especially since we'll be here for at least another 5 years anyways.

Ok. That's my major Stressitement. Here's what I'm feeding my body to handle it today!

B1: banana
B2: 2/3 c. shredded wheat n bran, 3/4 c. blueberries, 2/3 c. skim milk
L1: egg salad (1 egg, 2 egg whites, ff miracle whip, green onions) 2 WW ww toast (1 pt)
L2: tomato soup, veggies
D: roast beef and fried potatoes, frozen veggies

Activity: 20 minutes of strength training, 25 minutes of hard treadmill (15% incline, 4.1 mph)

Here's what appears to be a really great day!

Super Supper

I made this last night, just throwing stuff in... and man, were they TASTY! VE is the line of Epicure Selection spices - and I credit them for the extra burst of flavour! Totally core, or less than 3 pts for a good sized burger!

1 lb ex. lean ground beef
1 lb ex. lean ground turkey
1/3 cup quick rolled oats, crumbled
1/4 cup egg whites
1 tsp wortishire (sp) sauce
1/4 cup ketchup
2 tsp olive oil
SPICES (measures are approximate!)
VE Chili garlic sea salt (1/4 tsp)
VE Herb and garlic sea salt (1/4 tsp)
VE French Onion dip (1 tsp)
VE Sundried tomato dip (1 tsp)
garlic powder (1 tsp)
Lemon Juice (1/2 tbsp)
1 tsp garlic salt
1 pkg of onion soup mix
Combine all together well, and form into approximately 8 med-large patties.

Deadly on the grill!!! Let me tell you, my family went crazy. (Even my fuss-puss kids!) Kenny thought there was bacon in them! They were fairly juicy (for extra lean burgers) and very, very yummy.

Serve with a slice of Fat Free swiss, and sauteed mushrooms & onions... well, I didn't miss the bun, that's for sure!

Balancing Act

Isn't this what life's all about? Balancing work loads, work with life, spouse and kids, a clean house with a house that's lived in... everything has to achieve a balance. Diet and exercise is no different! I have to work on balancing exercise into my life - I can't let little things get into the way of making it a BALANCED priority. I want to balance a good glass of wine with getting my whole grains in. I want to balance a fabulous piece of dark chocolate with some garden fresh green beans....

Does anyone have any good suggestions on how to achieve balance? I could sure use an effective system to keep track!

Emotional Triggers?

I've always maintained that I don't have a lot of emotional triggers to eat. Boredom was really my only excuse - oh and the wicked PMS! But lately, I've noticed times where I used to eat out of anger, sadness and lethargy are being replaced by a desire to be active. I've been eating crazily the last 2 weeks (spurned by Easter, and extended by PMS) but there's been no emotional attachment to it. Purely choice and lack of control. But the way it made me feel allowed me to STOP! and choose an activity yesterday (going to the gym) to make me feel better, instead of using my emotionally blackmailing tool of rationalization. "Well, since I ate like a pig and feel gross, I might as well have this chocolate now while I'm at it" is really translating into: "I'm not worth the effort to pull myself out of this rut. Keep eating, since it's anesthetizing your feelings of self-revile."

Wow. Who wants to feel like THAT? I certainly don't, but it's not that easy to snap out of I see. So a little more reprogramming is necessary to keep me on the right path. But a big HOORAY for a little enlightenment!

What's the deal with weekends?

Ok, so I know I'm not the first person in the weight loss world to take issues with weekends. I go in with the best intentions, and then BAM! Out of nowhere, I start rationalizing things. Ok, I spent an hour cleaning house, that's almost as good as going to the gym, right? I'll have a good lunch when I get home, but right now licorice and some baked cheetos will have to do. A little splurge on supper won't hurt, I'm on maintenance...

And by the end of the night, I'm feeling like a stuffed pork chop, all lazy and BLECH. I woke up so grouchy this morning... but why? Oh right. I treated my body like crap yesterday. Core food what? I don't think I had more than3 items that would be considered core yesterday. So today, this is what's up:

• I've already done 20 minutes of hard strength training & 20 mins of 15% @4.1 on the treadmill
• I am having a yummy breakfast of turkey bacon, eggs, possibly some ww WW toast, fruit salad and timmy's coffee (thanks for the coffee hon!)
• I am letting Emma-Leigh pick from my list of approved of clean eating meals. (Um yeah, that's always a fun conversation. No Emma, mcnuggets aren't on the list. No Emma, bologna is not on the list.)
• I'm hoping to wash my car (if it doesn't start to rain here)

I feel better already... and can't wait for my yummy yummy breakfast!

My story continues

So fast forward 15 months. I have lost 91 pounds, and have kept it off since reaching my 88 pound goal in November. I achieved lifetime membership, and have unwravelled a whole new world of challenges... maintenance.

I understood losing. Sacrifice and extra exercise, constant moderation and monitoring. Maintenance (even with all the warnings) seemed like a destination. Ease up on some of the vigilance... splurge on the odd thing here and there. The trouble with that is, it opens up tiny little wholes for my bad habits to creep in. So I am working on losing another 9 pounds, taking my sweet arse time with it, and trying to tone up some excess skin along the way. It's slow going. I've been playing with the same 5-6 pounds since Christmas, but I am committed to reaching 149.9 by September. That's less than 1.5 pounds a month. If it doesn't pick up soon, I may just go back to weight loss mode to get there. But I'll play it by ear for now.

When I look back at what I've lost over the last 14 months, it's actually much more about what I've gained:
* A lot more self confidence (must keep that in check now, some days!!!)
* Energy. I have much more to spare. I just can't sit in front of the TV like I used to!
* Better eating habits. In general!
* Smaller portion sizes (AKA reasonable portions!)
* The love of clean eating. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm working on it!
* A much better legacy to leave for my daughter.... there will be many posts on the struggles I face with this.

Ok, time for bed. I am struggling with getting enough sleep lately, so I'd best start the night time routine a little earlier from now on.

An Introduction to me...

So what do I have talk about? What is my motivation behind spilling my guts online? Well, like most North Americans.... I have had a weight problem. For most of my life, I have walked past mirrors and didn't like the reflection. But worse - I was lacking the energy to get up and walk past a mirror in the first place! My daughter would ask me to go outside and shoot some hoops, but the thought of being out of breath, the sore knees and ankles that were plaguing me, and the idea of how I might look silly overwhelmed me to the point of missing out on some really special times with her. Since getting married, the scale had slowly crept up to 249.6 pounds. Who was this person that lost so much control of herself?

I was not happy. I struggled with emotional issues from many attempts at quitting smoking, being on and off the pill, learning to live with my new husband, and blended family issues were abundant. I was flying into rages over nothing, and was truly unable to find joy in even the most wonderful moments of my life. Our wedding was lovely, but the honeymoon even ended in vicious arguements - mostly due to my emotional rollercoaster and my new husband's disgust for my smoking habit...

Things HAD to change. I quit the pill for good. After several poor attempts, I also quit smoking for good. I went through some personal counselling, and we even tried some marriage counselling. The latter was not not my husband's idea of a good time and so we ended up not returning. Things still seemed so tense - I was always so unhappy. Fighting to get control in my new life seemed so useless. There were kid issues that seemed destined to destroy us, because I wanted some control... I soon realized what really needed my control. The scale wasn't telling me I was in trouble - I refused to step on it. My knees and ankles were now in chronic pain, and I was walking around like I was 90. But when I had to buy a pair of 24 jeans, I couldn't fool myself any longer. A couple of really awful Christmas pictures from 2006 sealed the deal: I was seriously overweight.

On Janulary 3rd, 2007 I joined Weight Watchers. I thought to myself, "Hey. I can lose 30 - 40 pounds, right?" Well, I had obviously done a great job of fooling myself, because when I saw my little book pop with the numbers 249.6, I felt like I needed to get my big ol' behind right out of there. 87 pounds??? They wanted me to lose 87 POUNDS?

A brief discussion with my husband went something like this:
Me "Kenny, I can't do this. That's just too big of a goal for me."
Him "You can do it. I'll help."
Me "But it will cost alot of money, and take an awful long time."
Him "You can do it. I'll help."

So I began my Weight Watchers journey.

New Goals, New Blog

Ok, so I've totally slacked in the blogging department. Love adding pictures, but talking to myself has been a chore lately. I need to focus once again on me - if only for the small part that is my health... :~)

I will commit to regular posting - it is the easiest way to manage my personal mental, emotional and eating health! Hopefully the new venue will make it at least convenient, if not easier.