Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Overwhelmtion

There are some days that even with the best intentions, turn into days best spent in bed.  Today is that day...

Money is always a worry for me, but this April has been GROSS.  (The fact that my brother and sister in law both dreamt I won the lottery is more likely in indicator that even they can feel my financial stress!)  But I can usually handle that.

I've got a crazy busy week this week.  Something going on every night, every day filled right to the brim with activity.  But that's usually something that energizes me.

I've been eating raw for a week now (loving it) but the prep and cost is starting to wear on me already.

And most of all, my daughter's diabetes is constant source of anxiety.  She struggles to accept it, and this is hardest of all.  The realization that she must live with this every day is overwhelming to her.  Some days, the needles REALLY hurt.  Some days, she just wants to eat something without thinking about how many carbs it has, and how many units of insulin she must inject.  The understanding that even the most well managed diabetes WILL result in a shorter life span... how does a 14 year old accept this???

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders today.  Going back to bed is not an option, so I am going to choose to bend at the knees, and carry this weight in the most efficient and healthy way I can.

xox

Thursday, February 28, 2013

On Edge

There are times when you can just feel it... waiting for the other shoe to drop.  You know SOMETHING is going to happen, but you don't know what, or when.  This feels like my new daily reality, and I have to admit I don't like it.  I know some of it is self contrived - I want to stay on top of Em's sugar levels like a hawk.  I have solid proof that me letting my guard down means highs and lows, not to mention forgotten supplies.  I want to give her control, but it's so new to her.  I want to let her learn the best ways to manage her diabetes, but she has no desire right now.

So I try to walk that very thin line of helping but not controlling.  And it seems most days that I keep getting pushed off.  Then I remind myself... if this is difficult for me, imagine how much of a beast this is for my daughter to comprehend.  To manage.  To accept...

So today, here are my intentions: 
  1. Attempt a modified version of the cleanse I started yesterday.  Instead of crashing and burning at 7pm, I hope to add a little more substance to my day.
  2. Focus on 5 wonderful things about my daughter today (instead of just continually harping about her sugars, her lack of homework and her messy bedroom.
  3. Book a massage.  I've put it off for too long.
I tell my clients every day - you can't put yourself at the bottom of the list for very long... and here I have for almost 6 months.  It's time to change that, before I'm no good to anyone!


Monday, February 25, 2013

Getting back up, and trying to dust off

I pride myself on NOT getting knocked down.  You push, I push back.  Life lays down bumps, I speed up and drive right over them.  In the rare moments I find myself flat on my butt, I don't stay down for long.  Something's collapsed within my coping mechanism...

It started last September, when my daughter - only 14 - was diagnosed with Celiac's.  During this appointment, we also found out her sugars were a little high.  Fast forward to the end of December, and we are now a family with a Type 1 Diabetic.  This is something I never expected, dreamt of or even fathomed.  My little girl has to test 5 -10 times per day, and inject insulin into her tummy 4-6 times each day.  Our lives have been thrown upside down.  Even today, 7 weeks later, not 5 minutes goes by without thinking about diabetes.  Everything affects it, and in a teenager's world... well let's just say there's a million more reasons why the sugars can be all over the place!

Everyone says it takes a full year, or more, to fully accept.  I can wait... but I need to feel GOOD again, way sooner than that.  I've gained weight, I've been too emotional, I've been a handful.  I need to re-centre, and re-focus.  Today is the start of a new way of coping.  I'm not pushing back - I'm leaning into it.  I'm not speeding through bumps, I'm slowing down and either going gently or finding a new road.  Today, I start to grow forward.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


Changes are inevitable.  

Funny story.
We have developed a lovely new morning routine.  Emma gets up early, comes to cuddle me, I make her breakfast while she tests her glucose and injects.  She watches cartoons (in such a lovely childlike fashion!) while I make her lunch, and we chat while we wait for her to test her glucose once more before we leave for school.  It really is lemonade from the lemons... 

This morning, Marty had a different schedule, throwing our routine out the window.  So hard to not be mad at him (for living in his own house!) in protection of my baby.  So I tell her this morning "Sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches"... As soon as I said it, I'm thinking "REALLY??? I'm telling her to roll with the punches when she's doing that so much lately???"  I made a little joke out of it, to let her know that I understood.  I go upstairs, in tears, and Marty tried to comfort me.  I just bristled, telling him how hard this change in our routine was this morning.  He said "sometimes, you just gotta deal with change Jacki"... I laughed, but really wanted to just punch him.

Challenges are inevitable.  But I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes there IS an easier way to deal with them.  Sometimes, wine IS the answer...

I love you sister.  I wish our paths crossed in a closer locale, but I appreciate the relationship we have.  I respect the life you live - and love the lives you've created.

I'm going to try a sample of the gluten free/diabetic friendly brownies.  Then I'll probably have another good cry.  Then, I'll be so grateful for a kid who is amazing, especially in this challenge.  And grateful for a hubby that didn't smack me on his way out the door.