New Year, New Decade... What's Next?

This has the potential to be one of those rambling posts... the kind that lacks focus and purpose. But even those posts have endings. Finality. Results. Sometimes, though hard to read, those posts make the most impact on me. That sort of sums up 2009 for me! Not a lot of focus, probably a lot of rambling, but still.... here I am facing the finality of the year. It's been an exciting one, full of ups and downs, and highly impactful.

Some of my lowlights included:

• Emma's battle with Swine Flu
• Nathan's accident
• Gaining 20+ pounds
• Emma's ever changing hormonal shifts
• The end of my first post-break up relationship

Fortunately, the highlights SUPER outweigh...

• Finishing the vast majority of my house renos, including - windows & doors, deck, and getting the insulation up
• Vegas
• Emma's significant improvement of grades
• Getting over the hurt of the divorce
• A lot of great times with Darla and the girls
• BC trip
• Starting school
• A super fun summer
• A fun, though short, relationship
• Green Day
• So many fun family times

I grew a lot this year. I always laughed when I heard 40 something women say how happy they were at that age. I get it now. To be comfortable in your own skin. To embrace change and growth. To love fully and without expectation for change. I am actually going to love 40. But, I can wait for it! I look at the possibilities of the next year, the next decade.... 10 years ago, Emma was 1. My biggest worries were managing which minimum wage job I would take, Emma's various health concerns (and they were many!) and getting over a broken relationship (ha, there's irony there). I was living in a cute little house, with my sister. So many fabulous memories there. In 10 years, Emma should be in school, or working. But surely, God willing, living a full and exciting life as an adult. At 21, her life laid out in front of her. I can't imagine it, but I can see my daughter taking life by the reigns and living it to her fullest.

I will be contemplating 50, not 40. My parents, again God willing, will be in their 60s, hopefully enjoying all the fullness of a healthy retirement. And I hope that we will all be continuing our human experiment.... growing and learning.

My friends. Enjoy the life you have. Grow in the experiences and opportunities you are given. Be the light and love in the lives of others. And most of all, be open. Open to everything that is laid out before you. Be 21, only with the wisdom and experience of whatever age you really are. God Bless and all the health, love and happiness you are open to in 2010.

J

Reflection.

Reflecting is a major tool for movement. If one doesn't take the time to reflect on motivation, desire or purpose, it's often difficult to effectively move forward. I overdid it this Christmas.... and HOW. And as a result, I often felt sick or bloated, and definitely lacked energy. Part of my reasoning for letting my accountability go out the window (and it was a very conscious decision) was my decision to lead a primarily vegetarian lifestyle.

I am cutting out red meat completely. This includes hamburger and other processed red meats. Most pork is also out. These are strictly for stomach issues. They hurt me, so they're out. Also out is processed deli meats. What stays in is poultry and ham occasionally, and seafood as a staple. My main food will be from the ground - grains, beans, fruits and vegetables. Not only does the red meat actually hurt me, but these other foods significantly help my energy level and IBS issues. This doesn't mean a lot of change, except in the processed department (no pepperoni, no hamburgers etc) which means more preparation and planning. I look forward to the challenge.

I am formulating my resolutions. Some of them I'll share, others need to be put into action before I am willing to through them out there. Either way - I look forward to having goals that are mine - and not all school or weight related!

Em & I are off for a fun night with Darla & Abby. Can't wait to see some of my favourite girls.

J

Ugh. But, ahhhh.

I hate being that mom who complains that she never does anything for herself. I have always prided myself on taking a little time to just chill out. To go for coffee with a friend. To stick my nose in a great book. To add bubbles to a nice hot bath...

I was feeling sorry for myself. No time. Too much homework. Too busy. Then I realized, as I was preparing for another busy night... that my time was IN there. I just had to peel back the attitude. My friend stopped by - if even just for a minute. Another friend dropped off some stuff for me - and stayed for a tea. If even just for a quick one. My mom dropped by to bring me some spices (yes, there's irony there) and she chatted. If even for just a moment. And as I sat here woefully working on my anatomy homework, I was overcome by a Roger Whitaker Christmas song about children. As my own daughter tossed in bed, too late, having trouble sleeping.

Yelling at her didn't help one little bit. Threats either. So as I listened to Rog sing about the magic of children in this blessed season, I TOOK my moment. I went in, cuddled my baby, and asked her what was wrong. She was sad. For no reason - just feeling the traditional L'Heureux girl blues. I TOOK my time to chill with my baby, hugged my baby. Stroked her cheek and ear, and felt her go limp in my arms as she fell asleep beside me. And as I quietly sneaked out of her room, listening to another old Christmas carol, I couldn't help but be reminded of every moment I have shared with this child. Every night I quietly sneaked out of my baby, my toddler, my little girl, my young lady.... my baby's room. And I couldn't help but realize how numbered my days are with my baby. And how many moments I will have "to myself".

I got myself together, and turned the carols down just a little, so I could hear if she was still stirring. Peace and quiet now surround me, except for "The Prayer" playing very low, and my computer whirring. I will have a few moments of me time when I'm done my anatomy tonight. But my best moment of the night will be the time I made for my daughter when she needed me. I almost missed it, but I TOOK it. If even for just a moment....

J