New Year, New Decade... What's Next?

This has the potential to be one of those rambling posts... the kind that lacks focus and purpose. But even those posts have endings. Finality. Results. Sometimes, though hard to read, those posts make the most impact on me. That sort of sums up 2009 for me! Not a lot of focus, probably a lot of rambling, but still.... here I am facing the finality of the year. It's been an exciting one, full of ups and downs, and highly impactful.

Some of my lowlights included:

• Emma's battle with Swine Flu
• Nathan's accident
• Gaining 20+ pounds
• Emma's ever changing hormonal shifts
• The end of my first post-break up relationship

Fortunately, the highlights SUPER outweigh...

• Finishing the vast majority of my house renos, including - windows & doors, deck, and getting the insulation up
• Vegas
• Emma's significant improvement of grades
• Getting over the hurt of the divorce
• A lot of great times with Darla and the girls
• BC trip
• Starting school
• A super fun summer
• A fun, though short, relationship
• Green Day
• So many fun family times

I grew a lot this year. I always laughed when I heard 40 something women say how happy they were at that age. I get it now. To be comfortable in your own skin. To embrace change and growth. To love fully and without expectation for change. I am actually going to love 40. But, I can wait for it! I look at the possibilities of the next year, the next decade.... 10 years ago, Emma was 1. My biggest worries were managing which minimum wage job I would take, Emma's various health concerns (and they were many!) and getting over a broken relationship (ha, there's irony there). I was living in a cute little house, with my sister. So many fabulous memories there. In 10 years, Emma should be in school, or working. But surely, God willing, living a full and exciting life as an adult. At 21, her life laid out in front of her. I can't imagine it, but I can see my daughter taking life by the reigns and living it to her fullest.

I will be contemplating 50, not 40. My parents, again God willing, will be in their 60s, hopefully enjoying all the fullness of a healthy retirement. And I hope that we will all be continuing our human experiment.... growing and learning.

My friends. Enjoy the life you have. Grow in the experiences and opportunities you are given. Be the light and love in the lives of others. And most of all, be open. Open to everything that is laid out before you. Be 21, only with the wisdom and experience of whatever age you really are. God Bless and all the health, love and happiness you are open to in 2010.

J

Reflection.

Reflecting is a major tool for movement. If one doesn't take the time to reflect on motivation, desire or purpose, it's often difficult to effectively move forward. I overdid it this Christmas.... and HOW. And as a result, I often felt sick or bloated, and definitely lacked energy. Part of my reasoning for letting my accountability go out the window (and it was a very conscious decision) was my decision to lead a primarily vegetarian lifestyle.

I am cutting out red meat completely. This includes hamburger and other processed red meats. Most pork is also out. These are strictly for stomach issues. They hurt me, so they're out. Also out is processed deli meats. What stays in is poultry and ham occasionally, and seafood as a staple. My main food will be from the ground - grains, beans, fruits and vegetables. Not only does the red meat actually hurt me, but these other foods significantly help my energy level and IBS issues. This doesn't mean a lot of change, except in the processed department (no pepperoni, no hamburgers etc) which means more preparation and planning. I look forward to the challenge.

I am formulating my resolutions. Some of them I'll share, others need to be put into action before I am willing to through them out there. Either way - I look forward to having goals that are mine - and not all school or weight related!

Em & I are off for a fun night with Darla & Abby. Can't wait to see some of my favourite girls.

J

Ugh. But, ahhhh.

I hate being that mom who complains that she never does anything for herself. I have always prided myself on taking a little time to just chill out. To go for coffee with a friend. To stick my nose in a great book. To add bubbles to a nice hot bath...

I was feeling sorry for myself. No time. Too much homework. Too busy. Then I realized, as I was preparing for another busy night... that my time was IN there. I just had to peel back the attitude. My friend stopped by - if even just for a minute. Another friend dropped off some stuff for me - and stayed for a tea. If even just for a quick one. My mom dropped by to bring me some spices (yes, there's irony there) and she chatted. If even for just a moment. And as I sat here woefully working on my anatomy homework, I was overcome by a Roger Whitaker Christmas song about children. As my own daughter tossed in bed, too late, having trouble sleeping.

Yelling at her didn't help one little bit. Threats either. So as I listened to Rog sing about the magic of children in this blessed season, I TOOK my moment. I went in, cuddled my baby, and asked her what was wrong. She was sad. For no reason - just feeling the traditional L'Heureux girl blues. I TOOK my time to chill with my baby, hugged my baby. Stroked her cheek and ear, and felt her go limp in my arms as she fell asleep beside me. And as I quietly sneaked out of her room, listening to another old Christmas carol, I couldn't help but be reminded of every moment I have shared with this child. Every night I quietly sneaked out of my baby, my toddler, my little girl, my young lady.... my baby's room. And I couldn't help but realize how numbered my days are with my baby. And how many moments I will have "to myself".

I got myself together, and turned the carols down just a little, so I could hear if she was still stirring. Peace and quiet now surround me, except for "The Prayer" playing very low, and my computer whirring. I will have a few moments of me time when I'm done my anatomy tonight. But my best moment of the night will be the time I made for my daughter when she needed me. I almost missed it, but I TOOK it. If even for just a moment....

J

Woops!

Last week was crazy busy and super fun! Clinic, Dane Cook, and New Moon TWICE! What a week. I sure can't maintain that schedule at all. But, in the end.... I am down. I weigh twice a week (once for myself, and once with my little group) and I am having different numbers for both- but both are down. The little group we have is a little off, because I didn't weigh the first week I got back at it hard. I will update that result tomorrow - and it will be lower.

But for myself, I have lost 9 pounds in 4 weeks! I only have another .6 to go to reach my first goal of 5% lost, and 6 pounds to reach 15 lost by Christmas. Of course, it won't be easy - we are full bore into Christmas season - starting with the Riders in the Grey Cup next Sunday. I have plans to take it very easy.... and hosting something will help!!!

But I can do it - and feeling so good right now will be all the motivation I need!

Thanks for reading.

J

What a week.

I am glad it's over, and I'm so glad everyone survived it. (It was closer for some than it was for others...) I over did it on pizza tonight, but still have a few weekly allowance points. Need some exercise - hoping to get enough energy tonight to do something. Unfortunately, I am exhausted and can barely muster the will to stay awake long enough to wait for Emma to be done swimming so I can pick her up....

Maybe a little nap before a cold walk wouldn't hurt???? Either way, I am signing out for the night, and for the week. Here's to a MUCH better next week....

Ugh. Stupid Brain - Head Hunger Pangs

Rough night tonight. To have a preteen daughter that is

1. Just like me
2. Going to change the world someday
3. Has a temper
4. Knows which buttons to push
5. Just like me

Is a challenge, to say the least. Tonight was tough - and I am sad and regretful for the argument. I hate regret - I try to avoid it at all costs. Reading about a young girl who is suspected to have died with the flu recently makes my sadness even greater. And she's not here for me to reach out and wake up to kiss and hug and apologize and remind her of how precious life is. Result: Mind is going crazy.

I have been in and out of the kitchen all night. I want sweet and salty. Or a big piece of peanut butter toast. I have settled for 1 point worth of crunchy fibre cereal. Good choice, but not cutting it. So, I've been trying to convince myself to go to bed, but losing that battle. Finding every reason to keep going into the kitchen, and continually getting frustrated with the knowledge that my stomach IS NOT hungry. So, as I hit POST, I am absolutely going to bed. End the misery that has been this day, and look forward to seeing Emma tomorrow and starting over again, thankful that I have another day to do that.

Hug your babies tonight. And be good to yourself!

J

Yay!!!

Great start to the "comeback"! Down 5.2 pounds! I am already feeling so much closer to being back in control. I earned 21 activity points, which I hope to bump up to 24 this week!

Being back at school full steam will make it a little more difficult to stay on track, but I am really excited for the challenge. My mantra for the next two difficult months (parties, Christmas and many trips to the theatre for New Moon!) will be "NOTHING tastes as good as how fabulous I will feel when I get back into my size 8 jeans!!!!" I think I'm going to make sure I post this mantra in several places.

Here's to a great couple of very busy days! (And still working on the night eating....)

Thanks for all the terrific support you've been giving.... it's been a wonderful blessing!

J

Managing it all!

I would love to know what genetic dysfunction causes women to push themselves to the edge of sanity on a regular basis! The need to be super mom, participating in their children's activities (baking the best peanut-free, egg-free, gluten-free treats they can bake, making the scariest halloween costume or prettiest angel costume they can find, attending every little activity at the school). The need to be super employee (staying late, working through valuable coffee breaks, working when we're sick, working on our days off). The need to be super spouse (or other....)

It's not possible. We all know it's not possible - but that rarely stops us from trying!

I have had to stop. I used to be accessible to Emma at all times - the joys of a home based business. But going back to school meant misssing 99% of her activities. The guilt has been tough to negotiate, but I have had to accept it. I make up for it regularly by ensuring our time together is spent "together" - not her watching TV and me on the computer.

I have had to realize that being a single mom, by definition, means that there is no way I can try to keep up a 95% at school. The extra time spent trying to achieve that (instead of a respectable 85%) would be better invested in extra practice, practicum or outreaches at school. Or, reinvested into Emma.

What I HAVE to put my time into is my health (ensuring I'm eating to lose and exercising regularly) and my daughter. As best as I can on both those things! This sometimes means I have to slack on other things, and that's OK! I can't paint at the school today. I won't likely be scrubbing the kitchen floors, or preparing anything difficult for the dinner I'm attending tonight. Shortcuts and easy way outs are totally OK sometimes - to ensure the important things are taken care of...

I have had to accept that the house won't be 100% all the time. The yard work and renos on the house have taken months instead of a couple of weekends. And that's ok. It's all ok. Ok is the new "perfect" in my house! When I have the time, energy and desire to outdo myself, I will. I mean, everyone likes to feel good about the stuff they do. But right now, I have to go do an OK job of winterizing the yard. Oh, after I get my walk in, that is....

So far, so good!

I have had a really great start this week. I am on track, have gotten a hold of the chocolate addict in me and shaken her stupid! With all the hype about the piggy flu, I have decided that healthy diets all around are in order. So, I signed back up for Weight Watchers online, and will be using the tools that helped me lose in the first place! Go with what works, right?

No more grumbling about "oh poor me, I can't have this without gaining weight!" It could be worse. I could be one of the many members in my family who can't eat ANYTHING with seeds in it without serious illness. That would suck! Or the unfortunate people who have to live with chronic disease, or other life altering illnesses.... Nope. Not being able to eat fatty unhealthy foods without gaining weight is my heart's way of saying... "HEY DUMMY! This stuff isn't good for you!!!!!"

I have a goal for Christmas, and I WILL make it!

And by the way, I made it through my first set of quarterly exams. I'll let you know the results once I get 'em!

J

Ok.... back to it.

So much changed since the last time I posted 9 months ago! I am in school full time, studying Massage Therapy. I love it, but it's one heck of an intensive course. It's a whole new set of challenges, not the least of which is managing a healthy diet.

Here it is in black and white - I have gained 20 pounds. 24 if you count my lowest weight. I am getting scared. And I've used excuses for the last 6 months. Here they are:

Summer = beer. I had lots of booze. Way too much, really.
Eating out. Following someone else's routine caused a lot of damage.
Hormones. Mine were completely thrown off balance my a device intended to control my cycle.
New schedule - no time to work out, rushed eating.

Ok. It's out there. Now what? I am struggling to stay away from the chocolate left from Halloween. Starting today - NO MORE. I can't handle it. It has to be a NO NO food.

Taking the time when I can to exercise is critical. I need to get 3 hours of exercise a week - no matter what. I can do that. Here are my other goals:

75% clean diet - managing 26 points a day.
Lose 15 pounds by Christmas
Enjoy my life again! Including school - which is amazing.
Reduce packaged snacks - get my 5-10 fruits & veggies in a day.
Get Emma more active - using our new puppy as incentive!
Blog twice a week at least.

Here's to another new start with a guaranteed positive finish! Thanks for reading.

J

It's No Secret...

And I realized that more than usual this weekend. Staying busy, and keeping my mind occupied is a sure fire way to keep my eating and activity in check. Boredom is a killer for me - I just eat to fill time way too often. I have not done enough cardio activity, but the work on the suite in my house has allowed many trips up and down stairs!!!

I feel good. And it's amazing what you can tolerate, handle, appreciate and contemplate when you are feeling good. It opens up many doors that would often remained sealed shut when you are emotionally unavailable!!!

Here's to a great week, more posting and a renewed commitment to doing what's best for ME!!!

A couple of recipes..

I've had a few people request some low point/healthy recipes, so here's a couple. For some more, check out my old site!

Sweet n Sour Chicken (not my recipe, but a delicious and quick meal the kids will love!)

3 chicken breasts
1 cup ketchup
1 can diet Coke

Place chicken in a non stick skillet. Add diet Coke and ketchup, mix. Bring to a boil, then reduce to med-low heat. Cook until chicken is cooked, and sauce thickens. (30 mins, depending on thickness of chicken)

Serve with 1/2 cup brown rice and veggie or salad, and you have a very filling and yummy 6 point supper! Even my very fussy daughter loves this one!


Winter Comfort - Miso Soup

Easy - just make sure you have the ingredients on hand!

1 block firm or extra firm tofu
2 boxes fat free, reduced sodium chicken stock
1 tbsp miso paste (soybean paste - check the asian foods isle)
3 green onions, chopped
1 cup fresh mushrooms, sliced (optional)
1/2 tbsp soy sauce

Heat chicken stock in large sauce pan, bring to a boil then reduce to medium heat.
Add miso paste and soy sauce. Be careful NOT to bring soup to a boil after you add the miso.
Add mushrooms
10 minutes before serving, add tofu.
1 minutes before serving, add green onions.

Served with an egg-white salad sandwich for a meal, or on it's own for a lighter lunch, this 2 point soup (for 1.5 cups!) is one of my winter favourites... but does have me craving sushi!


Egg-white Salad Sandwich
6 eggs, hard boiled, yolks removed (or add 1 or 2, but be sure to add 2 points for each yolk you add)
1/4 cup ff miracle whip
1/4 tsp mustard (dijon, if you like it)
salt & pepper
2 green onions, chopped
1/4 cup shredded low fat cheddar cheese, loose - not packed

Shred egg whites with a grater, into a medium bowl.
Add green onions and cheese, toss gently.
Add miracle whip, mustard, salt & pepper. Stir.

Serve on 2 slices of whole wheat weight watcher's bread (toasted). Makes 2 good sized servings (if no yolks) With ww WW bread, total points per NO YOLK serving: 2 Seriously. The total for this is 3 points, plus 2 slices of bread for 1 point!

I'll be sure to post some more easy and tasty ideas.

On the Weigh Down!

Our little group had a great week this week! We lost 12.4 pounds between the 5 of us! Nicole and Darla had awesome losses, 4+ & 3+ pounds respectively! But even better than that was the realization that through4 tough weeks (with small losses and even some gains through Christmas) we didn't quit.

I was so proud to see the small changes... the transformations. They're on track, and together we will all reach the goals we've set - and learn new, healthier habits in the process!

I'm almost done my 4th book in the Twilight series. I've managed to stay on top of everything but my blog and the laundry... though my house is starting to show some signs of neglect! I've loved the no eating at bedtime, and the books are key. I have a plethora of books to continue, though I can't imagine ANY being as riveting as this one. Sigh... it will be a true test of my will when I'm done!

Here's my fuel for today:
B1: cereal, banana, ff milk (3) YELLOW
B2: pear, grapefruit (2) PINK
L1: granola, berries, yogurt (4) BLUE
L2: bagel, ff cream cheese, carrots, curves bar (4) ORANGE
D: chickpea curry, chapati (7) RED, GREEN

15 mins aerobic, 100 crunches, 25 push ups, 30 squats/lunges

Consumed instead of consuming.... I like it!

So here's my new weight loss tip: Find a book you love!

I know I'm the last person in the world to discover Twilight, but I'm bitten: hook, line and sinker... I've spent 2 very late nights to race through the book. I just finished, but think I will begin again to absorb some of the details I sailed through to get to the next part.

I'm a book junkie. I love to read so much, but often put it aside because of the absorbing nature it has. I can turn off the tv in a heartbeat, but putting down a good book is like amputating a limb. I always wished I could be a writer, but never felt inspired to write anything worth, well...writing!

So Edward is a new character in my life - one I will hold with me for a while. My mom was actually concerned I was obsessing a little too much (still worried I'm some kind of vulnerable creature, waiting to get scooped up by some villainous cougar chaser!) which I found funny, considering I was expounding on why a character like Edward was so easy to 'fall in love with'. I get it. It's the "I love you more than the pain that grips me" syndrome.

Explanation: Many girls (too many girls...) want to find a man whose fatal flaw is ONLY fixable by their love. My mom sees this as immature, I see it as a need to be loved. So much, that the only proof of said love is to abandon something so potent and strangling (like an addiction, some wicked rebellion, or, oh say the need to suck human blood...) This need, this concept that we can find someone who would love us MORE than whatever it is that obsesses said boy... Silly, yes. Unrealistic - most definitely. But we all know of a story where it has happened: "I couldn't have done it without her" "Her love got me through it" "All I kept thinking about was how much I loved her..." and the stories go on. Mostly in the movies, but it does happen. And those of us who always envisioned such unfettered, un-relinquishing love... we keep hoping.

And in the meantime, get swept away by heart-gripping and enticing reads like Twilight.

Oh, and it looks like I'm in for a good week if I can keep the weekend in check!

Here's what I ate today:

B1: cereal, berries, ff milk (4)
B2: almonds (2)
L1: taco salad, potato crisps (7)
Sn: granola bar, banana (3)
D: low fat chicken strips & low fat french fries: (6)
Sn: popcorn (6)

AP:1 (15 minutes of BL cardio)
Used 4 WPA

Quick Post... Then bed

Ack! Biggest Loser night... Is that a valid excuse for such a late bedtime?

Struggling with hunger and the scale this week. Not over my daily + WPA, but feel like I'm not doing well. The scale is saying "up" but I know I've done ok. 15+ minutes of exercise every day, no bad choices... PMS?

Well, here's to getting closer to being in control!

I will post a fab tofu recipe tomorrow... SMACK DADDY!

Here was my fuel today:

B: cereal, berries, ff milk (4pts)
L1: egg salad, bread, mushroom soup (5pts)
L2: granola bar, fruit & dip (4pts)
D: left over parma chameleon, salad, popsicle (6pts)
SN: dark chocolate, granola, yogurt, berries (6pts)
25 pts (23 + 2 flex) - still have 6 flex points left!!!

AP: 20 mins of abs & muscle work

Mondays aren't so bad...

I was actually happy it was Monday when I woke up. I did not have a very good weekend - and I'm not welshing on my positivity resolution: Had to go into Regina to take my sister and niece to the airport. That wasn't fun in itself, but then it was also Emma's first time back since we left. She struggled, which made it hard for me too. Ate a lot for supper, and regretted it. Roads were terrifying on the way home - even saw an SUV roll into the ditch. Scary.

Yesterday was not much better emotionally (a little PMS, I think...) until my mom and dad came for a working visit (my pops changed an outlet for my daughter's new flat screen tv). It was wonderful. My mom and I are extremely close, and working out our new proximity has not been easy. Boundaries are fickle things. But we had a great conversation to acknowledge it, and we both agreed how important our closeness was. And she lifted my spirits very successfully.

On track today - and meeting with a travel agent to discuss our Vegas options!!!

Food-wise, here's my fuel:

B1: peaches in water (1pt)
B2: 2 WW toast, pb, egg (5pts)
L1: dirty rice (4pts)
L2: veggies & dip (1pt)
S: taco salad, skinny cow (9pts)
Sn: popcorn (2pts)

Activity: 30 mins Wii, shoveling snow for 15 mins

Testing Plan A...

Oi. Less than 10 days in, and I'm already testing my first resolution. Positivity is very natural to me in so many areas, but in the ones I struggle.... Oi...

So let's focus on the positive:

• Dar & I are getting closer to making solid plans for a March trip to VEGAS! We're still deciding where to stay, but we're super stoked to make this trip (a true statement to our independence!) together.
• I had a good eating day. A little too much snacking because supper was so late, but well under control.
• Good bedtime last night - and on track for a decent bedtime tonight.
• Lots of work done today.
• Had fun shopping with Andrea & Racquelle. And I spent the least out of all of us!
  

Ok, so it was a pretty good day.

Here's what I ate today:

B1: ww bagel, egg, egg white (4pts)
B2: almonds, granola bar (3pts)
L1: carrots, cukes dip (1pt)
L2: Dirty rice (3pts), peanuts (3pts) rice krispie square (2pts)
S: lf french fries, gravy (5) wine (3)
Total: 27 (4 fp used)

Activity: 10 mins of stretches, 15 mild cardio

Part 2 of A

Well, I had a great day today. I felt like not doing much of anything, but ended up getting a whole lot of work done! I love it when that happens! Then, for the business' year end party, we went to a Celtic pub, Bobby's Place, for supper and drinks. So much fun! Great company, lively conversation, and wonderful food. (We'll get to that again at the end...!)

Part 2 of A... includes:
Eating: Back to the Core principles, with an emphasis on real food. Less packaged, more cooking. I want to rediscover my love for being in the kitchen, while ensuring the health and vitality of my body and mind.

Reading: I will read much, much more. And I will read everything.

Sleep: No later than 11pm bedtime - no exceptions. 1-2 am is just not cutting it.

Fitness: 15 - 20 minutes a day - no exceptions! This will be hard for me, but very worth it.

I think that pretty much covers it...

What I ate today:

B1: shredded w&b, bberries & ff milk (4pts)
B2: ww bagel, egg + egg whites, ff cheese slice (4pts)
L1: carrots & tomatoes w/dip (1pt)
L2: almonds, granola bar (5pts)
S: 1/2 big salad, 1 pc fried fish, handful fries, mushroom caps (3) buffalo wings (3) 2 pints beer (34pts) Yuppers. But, I planned for it... and that was the last crazy of the season!

ACT: 15 mins body blast, plus I moved every chance I got today!!!

Action Plan "A"

Also known as the work in progress. This will be the most comprehensive and detailed plan, so I wanted to start working on it. I'm going to outline 3 areas at a time:

Finances:
I want to stick to my budget, and spend my money on things that bring true happiness: memories, good health, togetherness and growth. This covers the basics like shelter/transportation, includes some room for fun like trips, games, movies etc. and possibly a gym membership/activities. It won't include needless "thing" shopping. That's never brought any more than a slight, and short term, excitement.

People:
I have several people in my life that build me up. People who are in it for the long haul, understand me and want to see me succeed. I'd like to add to that by finding a group or organization that I find some commonalities with, and can continue to add positivity to my life. I'm thinking of my weight loss group, for sure, and adding maybe a walking club or something?

Thoughts:
I will find the positive in everything. Being mindful of all aspects, but focusing on the good things - even if they're hard to find.

That's step 1 of Plan A!

Here's my food for the day:
B1: banana
B2: apple, peanut butter, almonds
L1: carrots, tomatoes, ff dip, 1 small piece of peanut brittle - little slip!!!
L2:pickled egg, tomato soup, creamcicle
S: stirfry (chicken & lots of veggies)

Activity: strength and 15 mins body blast

Drum Roll Please...

So here they are - my New Years Resolutions! Not that I think you're all waiting eagerly... I just really need to get them out there, so I can have a starting point!

1. Positive only, please. I am going to fill my life with positivity - including thoughts, actions, eating, people, activities, etc. I have a basic plan, and I'll likely be working it out here.
2. Less obsessing. I've been told this is a slight issue for me. Facebook makes this worse, but it's difficult to walk away from it completely. I have to manage my obsessiveness myself.
3. More faith. I am not entirely sure what this is going to mean - but I know it's not whatever I've been doing.

So there you have it. I have a lot to work on - and I need to start making a realistic plan to get going.

I hope you have your resolutions ready to rock oh-nine!!!